Lessons from the Kitchen

I've unfortunately/fortunately been given more time to think this week, so I thought I would do some blogging and share some thoughts with you...

We are in a powerful series at church called Hustle and Flow and I've really been touched by Pastor John's messages over the past 3 weeks.  Basically we are studying the lives of His chosen people through 1st and 2nd Chronicles.  The theme of 1st and 2nd Chronicles is the chosen people's faithfulness vs. unfaithfulness, but the reality of the books is that even back in the Old Testament, He is always faithful even when we are not. 

If you've grown up in a believing household you're taught from an early age that His love is unconditional and that's really easy to believe when your 5 or 10 or maybe even when your 15 but as you get older and especially if you've strayed from the faith you begin to wonder if it is true but the fact is even people strong in the faith go through trials.  In fact the Good Book assures us that there will be hard times but it also reminds us that He is always faithful, faithful to a thousand generations.

Today after I recovered from shock after my teenager apologized to me for his attitude, I realized that we are really more like teenagers then we would like to admit. We get mad at "Dad" when things aren't going our way or our attitude gets all ugly when we think that something isn't fair and we pout about it for hours if not days. 

I don't know that I'm a good parent especially a good parent of a teenager but I do know that I love my children unconditionally.  My oldest has had some real struggles in his life and is really just now getting back on track.  We've had our moments over the past 3 years and yes I have had to distance myself from him but I never stopped loving him. 

My son has been struggling with his unconditional love for others since last Tuesday.  Apparently there is a kid in his class that he knows from a treatment program that he was in.  He can't understand why this "bad kid" is getting the same opportunity that he is.  Granted I don't know what this kid has done in the past but I can't get my son to understand that we all deserve a second chance, heck even tenth and twentieth chances.  I mean please, if we got what we deserved then even my son wouldn't have gotten the chance to get the same opportunity as the "bad kid". 

Yesterday I totally wanted to kick my son is the butt because of his nasty attitude but I didn't.  I had solutions to his problems but when I asked if he wanted to know and he said no, I shut my mouth.  This morning when he barked at me because I suggested that the frozen bread would be thawed by lunch time so using it would be fine, I didn't bark back at him although I hadn't had my coffee so not barking back was a God thing anyway. 

Although I am still convinced that my son was abducted by aliens, I think we can relate to his story.  He has the answers to the problems, He's just waiting on you to ask for help.  Although you deserve a swift kick in the butt, He's waiting patiently for you to stop pouting and look heavenward for direction.  Even though you got angry and barked at Him, He's waiting with open arms to comfort you and show you that there is a better way.

I've been stirred by the sermon series and especially this past Sunday's because it was about seeking Him and I've realized that lately I've done a really bad job of it.  I've gotten all wrapped up in myself, really feeling sorry for myself that things aren't moving the way I would want them to and after Pastor Leslie's surprise appearance on stage two Saturday's ago I see that yet again I've been trying to make Him fit in my timeline. 

(Warning, please do not come up to me in church and tell me "It's all in God's perfect timing."  If you do my unconditional love for you will go out the window!)

Anyway apparently He has decided to made room in my schedule for more time with Him and with others and whereas I happily make time for other people in my life, I am terrible at making room for Him.

I'm good at purposefully making time for people, especially people I love, but quiet time has always been a struggle because I am well aware that I am flawed and I'm always convicted about another one of my issues during quiet time and frankly none of us wants to hear about our obvious character flaws. 

Is your quiet time is lacking because He is trying to teach you something about yourself?  Are you like my son and often when you hear Him talking all you hear is condemnation so you stop listening or start defending?  This week even if it is a few minutes a day, take a moment and just listen.  Keep an open mind and just listen to what the Spirit has to say to you.  You might think it's condemnation but I promise that if you just listen a while longer you'll realize it's love.

He is the controller of all things

After an hour of decompressing to my therapist, she looks at me and says, "You know all of these things you've just told me are completely out of your control.  Your homework is to make a list of things you can control."  My answer to her was, "Are you trying to make me feel better of worse?" She then says, "You need to feel empowered about something so you don't have to feel helpless about these other things."

So I started wondering what it was that I could control...

I don't like surprises so I tend to obsess about keeping things in my control.  I could tell you the sob story of my life and why I don't like surprises but I like to know when something is coming and not get smacked in the face by something I maybe could have done something about.  My biggest fear is lack of communication because without communication I can't see things coming and when I can't see things coming I feel out of control and that means something could surprise me and I don't like surprises!

Obviously the only thing I can control is myself.  I can control my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my words, etc, but I don't know if that makes me feel empowered.

So what do you do when the world seems to be spinning out of control?

"I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world.  When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms.  This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence.  I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged.  I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place."  Jesus Calling

 I totally forget that when thing are out of control, I can call on the One who is in control.  I forget because, just like all of us, we want to do everything in our power but we soon find out that we really have no control over most of the events in our lives. 

In Matthew 14, Mark 6 and John 6 there is a story about the Son walking on water.  When the disciples see Him they are frightened, He calls out to them, "Take courage! It is I.  Don't be afraid."  Peter replies, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."  The Son says, "Come" and Peter did.

Peter takes a few steps and becomes very afraid.  As he starts sinking he cries out, "Lord, save me!"  The Son immediately reaches out his hand and pulls Peter up and says to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I know the Father is watching out for me.  I know He is willing and able to help me, I just have to ask for the help.  Unfortunately it's the asking that is so hard.

We don't want to give in to the fact that we can't stop the madness without help.  We want to do it all on our own.  We want to believe that we have all the power we need to control people and things that are really outside our control.  We only have control over ourselves and our actions, so we should use that control to open our mouths and ask for help.   

Use the control that He has given you.  Open your mouth and be heard On High.  Cry out to Him and He will answer.

His servant is blameless and upright

I am under attack.  Even though intellectually I know that things are fine, my heart is being flooded with doubt and despair.  Have you ever felt that way?  Have you ever been in the middle of a head and heart argument?

Without giving an anatomy lesson I'll just tell you that your heart isn't controlled by your conscious mind.  It's an involuntary muscle that beats without a single thought from us.  It's just like breathing.  We don't have to think every few seconds, breathe in...now out...again.  It just happens.  So getting your heart and mind to agree on most anything is going to be quite the battle. 

The next several weeks are kind of an anniversary for me, "The end of the end."  The beginning of the end happened years ago so between now and Valentine's Day is a really tough reminder of a pretty painful time in my life.  I don't remember much about this time last year but something pretty significant must have happened  on January 23, 2011 because it was on that day this year that the attack began.  

This morning He woke me up quite early.  I don't know what time it was but I do know it was pouring rain and very dark.  I barely opened my eyes to gauge the time but I immediately started talking to Him.  I was so frustrated about a situation from the day before I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but He waited for me.  He didn't try to interrupt but I could just barely hear Him trying to gently remind me that although He would wait for me to finish, He had heard me the night before and if I didn't be still and quiet for a moment I wouldn't be able to hear what He had to say on the matter.  So I tried my very best to close my mouth and listen.

You know I don't know about you but We actually have regular conversations.  People look at me funny when I say that but We actually do.   I talk He listens, when He talks I listen.  So whenever He wakes me up before the sunrise I tend to pay really close attention.  More then likely what He has to say must be pretty important because He knows I'm not a morning person. 

So this morning through the no-caffeine fog I heard Him tell me the following:

1. Not everything you are feeling is the truth. You know the truth in your head.  You can see the truth and I know you know the difference between the truth you feel and the lies your past is telling you.  
2. You know better then anyone else what you and your children need.  Don't let people make you feel powerless.  Don't allow people to patronize you or make you feel inferior.  Stand up and be heard.  
3. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel.  Don't let the actions of people in your past stand in the way of your happiness.  Remember the past can't hurt you unless you let it.  It's OK to be excited about your future.  Look forward to it, but don't let your fear hold you back.

I have PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Most people know about PTSD because they hear about it on the news when journalists talk about the stress of war on the men and women that defend our liberties.  Solders with PTSD often talk about not being able to relate to their families once they return home.  They are so scarred from the trauma of war that they don't feel that their actual reality is actual reality.  They jump at ever noise.  Every cry from their baby or child reminds them of death.  A simple backfire from a truck driving down their street can send them into attack mode.  My PTSD is triggered by certain body language and tone of voice.  It doesn't matter who is talking to me when I see and hear that combination my body goes on high alert. 

Your brain is an amazing creation.  Just like breathing and your heat rhythm, it does most things without a conscious though.  Synapses are fired, hormones and other chemicals are released without you ever knowing it.  There are parts of your brain that are triggered by sights and smells and sounds.   It can literally re-wire itself after injury or traumatic event, so when it's been conditioned to respond to a stimulus in a certain way after a long period of time it's not just as easy as flipping a switch to return the response to normal.   

It's interesting that He said that I know the difference between reality and my past. I know He's right.  I know I know the truth.  I know I know better then anyone else, even those with clinical degrees, on what myself and my children need.  I know I shouldn't be afraid to tell people how I feel.  I know that the people I have around me do not act the same as those in the past.  I know all these things yet conquering fear is really tough. 

So what do you do when faced with fear?  When I think about fear I think about Job (no not job as in something you do, Job like as in the Old Testament guy).  Job's story is very interesting, he was minding his business doing what he thought was right, following the laws when all of a sudden his life is turned upside down with trauma after trauma.  Bad things happen left and right to Job. 

In Job 2, the Creator and the Evil One are having a conversation and He says this about Job: “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”  The Evil One answers back and says basically that once he has his way with him, he will curse and run from the Holy One.  So the Evil One departs and starts trying to break Job of his righteousness.

Job never gives in.  His friends tell him to.  His wife tells him to, but all the while he remains "blameless and upright".  Job had all the reasons to believe that He had forsaken him.  He was under major attack by the Evil One.  His head and heart were battling with each other yet he never turned and ran. I believe He knew that ultimately he was chosen for battle because he was in His favor.

I know that I must be doing something right to come under attack like this.  Obviously if I had been forsaken He wouldn't have needed my attention so early this morning.  Sometimes in the battle of the heart and mind you simply need to be reminded that deep inside of you is the truth.  The truth is powerful. The truth lets you know that you have the power inside of you to overcome your fear, your past, your hurt or anything else that is standing in the way of your fulfillment. It may seem cliche' but embrace the truth within you. Don't let the shadows of your past hold you back any longer.         

His many blessings of 2011, Part 2

The other day I started a 3 part series, click here if you'd like to read Part 1. 

In Part 1, I thanked my son Brandon for his part in my transformation during 2011.  In Part 2, I'd like to thank another participant. 

I can say a lot about my next honoree.  He is truly blessed with an amazing ability to work with the gifts of The Spirit.  I have a few other friends that have that ability, all of which are major blessings to me, but his abilities stands out among them. I talked a little about him in this post, but I thought I would brag on him a little more.   

I'm 36 years old, been married more then once, yet there have been a lot of firsts in our relationship.  Although I can't remember my youth clearly, I do know he is the first man to consistently open my door for me.  Others did once or twice but as soon as they thought they had caught me, they stopped, but 9 months later he is still doing it.  I'm still not used to it though, often I have to stop from doing it myself.  I just hope I never take it for granted.

He's the first that simply listens.  No advice.  No football on behind me.  No constantly looking at his phone or watch to see how long I've been talking.  Just quiet patience as I get it off my chest and because of that I find it much easier to talk to him about "us".  I think he thinks we talk to much about it but never does he get mad or show any frustration.  He simply says that he doesn't want to talk about that now but if I want to we can.  That's not something I am used to either.  In the past I've been worried about opening my mouth and speaking up about something but now it's so easy I probably do it to much.

He's the first that I feel a close friendship with.  It's probably this way because we were just friends at first.  We learned to connect with each other on a much more "formal" level.  Not that our current relationship is "informal" but things change when you hold hands or kiss for the first time.  I really just like being with him.  We don't have to be doing anything.  Just sitting together have the strangest conversations, poking fun at each other and just enjoying each others presence. 

He apologizes more then any man I've known, which is very refreshing. Normally I'm the one that is always apologizing but he is quick to apologize when it is warranted. He tries much harder then most of the men that have been in my life.  I have totally fallen for him, yet he continues to pursue me.  He's always looking for new ways to enhance our relationship.  He invests in me for my benefit not just his or ours.  He's helped me pick up the pieces of my heart over the past 9 months.  Never complaining about how long it was taking or how much energy he was having to invest.  He's quick to call when I need him.  He's starting to let go of his independence and we are getting closer because of it.      

He honors me with his words that he speaks to me and to others.  He values my thoughts and feelings.  He blesses me with his grace and his compassion. I am privileged to call him my friend and I feel honored that he thinks about me when he thinks about the future.

His many blessings of 2011, Part 1

I started this blog in October 2010, right after what I would have considered a miracle that happened in my marriage, but shortly there after the magic of that miracle started to dissipate and by the New Year it was completely gone. I spent Valentine's Day 2011 in a strange new bed.  I was surrounded by friends but still felt completely alone.  I was broken and angry.  Lost in the darkness of the wilderness with no hope for a way out.

Thankfully, I ended 2011 in a much better place.  No longer alone.  No longer in the wilderness and with most of my pieces put back together.

I spent a lot of 2011 living in the past or at least anticipating the future based on my past experiences but as the year progressed I started looking forward to the future. 

Over the next couple of days I'd like to thank 3 people that helped see me through this year.  Yes there are many others that helped along the way.  I couldn't have done it without my friends and my parents but there are 3 people that really had an impact in my life this year.  Without them I might still be in the dark and certainly still in pieces. 

Firstly, I'd like to thank my son Brandon.  Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I blamed him for most of my problems.  He had been an easy target for blame since September 29th, 2009.  And because his actions were mentioned during the arguing and fighting that lead to my lonely Valentine's Day it was even easier this time to place the blame on his shoulders.  I will never forget how badly I treated him during those first few months of the year.  I know he has forgiven me for it, but I still hold myself accountable for the tears in his eyes when he just sat there allowing me to be angry and yell at him.  Thankfully both of us have changed since then, well really mostly me, he had done most of his work already leading up to the beginning of the year, but he has really taught me some important lessons in life.

In church you hear a lot about grace and forgiveness.  Both are great to hear about.  You learn that they are freely given from the Father but when you have to put them to practical use and extend those to people that you know especially ones that have truly hurt you it's a totally different story.  I am really good at extending grace in most situations.  It's really not that big of a deal if you spill milk on my freshly mopped floor or splatter toothpaste on my mirror but the hurt that he had caused was much bigger then a dirty floor or mirror.  It was a deep scar on the hearts of many people.  A scar so deep that some people still haven't found forgiveness, even now two years later. And for a while I thought I was allowed to carry unforgiveness because I saw what happened to my family in the wake of his destruction, but then I remembered this verse.

 ²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 NIV

I remembered that verse during a moment in church one Saturday night when Pastor John was praying for healing.  He said "If there is anyone you need to forgive do so now so that you can receive your blessings."  At that moment I realized that I wasn't able to receive the full blessing of my Heavenly Father because my heart was closed due to the unforgiveness I held deep in it. So that night I prayed and wrote Brandon a letter asking for forgiveness and telling him that it was time to move past the past and move forward into the future and so we did, together.

You don't really know how things will work until you just do it.  You can plan and plan but until you are in the thick of it, you're really just guessing about the possibilities.  Luckily both Brandon and I have become very good at extending grace and even though the toilet seat is up more often then down, it's been a blessing having him home. 

       

Put on His love

Back in September, I was 9 days away from finishing the Love Dare.  In my final post I wrote 10 things that I had learned over the study.

I have listed them below:

1. I've always known how difficult relationships can be but when people really believe that they can work they do.
2. I've noticed that dysfunctional relationships are the norm and that healthy relationships are hard to come by.
3. I've found that even though I talk a big game I know nothing about relationships.  If I did I might not have so much knowledge about them.
4. I've discovered that relationships are more then just 50/50, they're about giving your all, all the time.
5. I've learned  that you must make each other a priority and not just an option.
6. I've realized that sometimes the best thing that you can do for your significant other is to just be present in the moment.
7. I've known that sometimes we must get outside our comfort zones to better relate to our partners, but now I see that it is a requirement.
8. I've figured out that the only way to a healthy relationship is to start with a healthy you.
9. I've wised up to the fact that just because you've witnessed dysfunction in the past, you are still worthy of functionality.
10. I've determined that your past has nothing to do with your future. 

If you would have asked me this past winter if I thought I would even venture into another relationship again I would have said no but an unlikely story started to unfold in April of this year. 

I spent Valentine's Day sad and heart-broken but as March approached my whole outlook on life began to change. I started school and started attending Life again in the beginning of April.  I decided that I had enough time to mourn and I needed to start looking forward because I wasn't going anywhere while looking backwards, but I never expected to end up where I am now. 

I am  a hopeless romantic so of course I love the movie Serendipity.  The movie is about two people who meet by chance one winter's night but due to other circumstances they part ways never to meet again.  In the movie the female character writes her number down in a book with the premise that if he ever finds the book again, they were meant to be together.  Years pass, they are both engaged to marry other people and because of cold feet he starts his search for the girl again.  I won't give it away but the ending is every hopeless romantic's dream. 

I met someone by chance in 2004 and there was an instant connection.  I didn't know it at the time but there was a connection on both sides.  Everybody around us was suspicious of our status, yet we remained just friends until that fateful day in the Fall of 2007 when life took me in another direction.

There are some people that you just click with.  Friends that no matter the distance or time, when you see each other again its like you were never gone.  You can talk about or do nothing at all when you are with them and yet you still will have had one of the best nights of your life. People that care enough to help you unpack your hurts, even if its one piece at a time.  People that see you for who you are, yet accept you unconditionally. Those kind of people are kept in a special place in your heart.           

I didn't go looking for him.  I figured he was married with a bunch of kids, but when I saw him from across the parking lot I knew I had to reach out to him.  I really just wanted to apologize to him for leaving abruptly and without an explanation, but what started as a dinner to explain myself ended as the beginning of a journey into a new chapter of my life.

Those 10 points I mentioned all those months ago, I already knew but until now I hadn't had the opportunity to see if they actually meant something.  I don't want to point fingers or say who was right and who was wrong but relationships are between two people and when one or both are not putting on love for each other then the relationship is going to end in heartbreak.

Relationships are hard work.  Choices must be made everyday to choose love over anger or frustration or even hate.  Decisions about priorities are a daily battle.  Life gets in the way.  Work gets in the way.  Technology gets in the way.  Children and other people get in the way.  Its a daily battle to chose each other over the other interruptions in our lives. 

Good flourishing relationships are possible. With dysfunction all around us, it is possible to be content with one person for the rest of your life, but its a choice.

I've made a choice to finish the Love Dare, because I do know something about relationships and I was to continue to learn all I can about how to make them better. 

Made in His image

"Then He said, Let Us make man in our image, in Our likeness and let them rule...So He created man in His own image, male and female He created them." Genesis 1:26-27

I've written about my weight loss journey.  I've gotten many compliments about my dedication and sitck-to-it-ness but that's only have the story.  Yes losing 100 pounds was a major accomplishment but battling with self-image is much more difficult.

I've never thought of myself as beautiful.  I've always believed that there was a lot about me I'd like to change and as I began to gain weight, whatever thoughts of ever becoming beautiful went out the window. I remember there was a time that I avoided full length mirrors.  I wouldn't try on clothes at stores because I would have to get undressed in front of a mirror and look at myself.  I often bought clothes that were to big or baggy to help hide my body.  I got so good at hiding behind my clothes when someone finally noticed that I had lost a lot of weight and I told them how much I had lost, they couldn't believe the number because they couldn't figure out where I had kept all of it.

If you read my post about my weight loss you'll know that I wouldn't allow anyone to take pictures of me after that ill-fated Thanksgiving Day picture that was published on Facebook.  If a picture was mandatory I found ways to cover most of me and hopefully only have my head exposed. If I couldn't look at myself in the mirror there was no way that I would allow other people to see, but even now after all the weight I have lost I still struggle with my body image.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in quite a few years called me beautiful.  I thanked her for her comment but I was struck by it.  Had I always been right in my thinking about not being pretty?  She didn't know me when I was at my heaviest but in my mind there must have been quite a difference in 5 years ago and now.

This was the other verse I read during my quiet time this morning:

"And I praise You because of the wonderful ways you created me.  Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt.  With Your own eyes saw my body being formed.  Even before I was born, You had written in Your book everything I would                             do."  Psalm 139:14

David wrote that verse.  I imagine him dancing (David did a lot of dancing) around in front of a mirror admiring His work on him.  I am getting better at dancing in front of the mirror and admiring my accomplishment but changing 20 years of thinking is hard work.  I see the difference.  I feel the difference and I look different but thinking differently is totally different. 

There is even a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder that is common among women and men that have eating disorders. BDD sufferers actually see themselves as fat.  When they look in the mirror they see a totally different image of what is actually there.  You can't convince them that they are bone skinny.  They believe that people are lying to them about what the scale says.  Most people with untreated BDD die because they diet themselves to death.  They are never happy with what they see in the mirror.  No amount of talk will ever convince them that they are beautiful.  They see fat and they see ugly.

Those that do get diagnosed go through intensive therapy to re-wire their brains and thought patterns. There is research that is proving that their brains have been miss-wired because of the bad thought processes that have been going on for years. Bad thought connections have to be replaced with good thoughts and the process is almost painful for the participant because they have to come to grips with the frail state of their actual bodies. 

I am happy with the way I look.  I really like it when people call me beautiful and I am finally starting to believe them.  I am learning that I just might not be able to loose anymore weight because there is simply not much left to loose.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Created perfectly in His image.  I am not junk!