His many blessings of 2011, Part 1

I started this blog in October 2010, right after what I would have considered a miracle that happened in my marriage, but shortly there after the magic of that miracle started to dissipate and by the New Year it was completely gone. I spent Valentine's Day 2011 in a strange new bed.  I was surrounded by friends but still felt completely alone.  I was broken and angry.  Lost in the darkness of the wilderness with no hope for a way out.

Thankfully, I ended 2011 in a much better place.  No longer alone.  No longer in the wilderness and with most of my pieces put back together.

I spent a lot of 2011 living in the past or at least anticipating the future based on my past experiences but as the year progressed I started looking forward to the future. 

Over the next couple of days I'd like to thank 3 people that helped see me through this year.  Yes there are many others that helped along the way.  I couldn't have done it without my friends and my parents but there are 3 people that really had an impact in my life this year.  Without them I might still be in the dark and certainly still in pieces. 

Firstly, I'd like to thank my son Brandon.  Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I blamed him for most of my problems.  He had been an easy target for blame since September 29th, 2009.  And because his actions were mentioned during the arguing and fighting that lead to my lonely Valentine's Day it was even easier this time to place the blame on his shoulders.  I will never forget how badly I treated him during those first few months of the year.  I know he has forgiven me for it, but I still hold myself accountable for the tears in his eyes when he just sat there allowing me to be angry and yell at him.  Thankfully both of us have changed since then, well really mostly me, he had done most of his work already leading up to the beginning of the year, but he has really taught me some important lessons in life.

In church you hear a lot about grace and forgiveness.  Both are great to hear about.  You learn that they are freely given from the Father but when you have to put them to practical use and extend those to people that you know especially ones that have truly hurt you it's a totally different story.  I am really good at extending grace in most situations.  It's really not that big of a deal if you spill milk on my freshly mopped floor or splatter toothpaste on my mirror but the hurt that he had caused was much bigger then a dirty floor or mirror.  It was a deep scar on the hearts of many people.  A scar so deep that some people still haven't found forgiveness, even now two years later. And for a while I thought I was allowed to carry unforgiveness because I saw what happened to my family in the wake of his destruction, but then I remembered this verse.

 ²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 NIV

I remembered that verse during a moment in church one Saturday night when Pastor John was praying for healing.  He said "If there is anyone you need to forgive do so now so that you can receive your blessings."  At that moment I realized that I wasn't able to receive the full blessing of my Heavenly Father because my heart was closed due to the unforgiveness I held deep in it. So that night I prayed and wrote Brandon a letter asking for forgiveness and telling him that it was time to move past the past and move forward into the future and so we did, together.

You don't really know how things will work until you just do it.  You can plan and plan but until you are in the thick of it, you're really just guessing about the possibilities.  Luckily both Brandon and I have become very good at extending grace and even though the toilet seat is up more often then down, it's been a blessing having him home.