His servant is blameless and upright

I am under attack.  Even though intellectually I know that things are fine, my heart is being flooded with doubt and despair.  Have you ever felt that way?  Have you ever been in the middle of a head and heart argument?

Without giving an anatomy lesson I'll just tell you that your heart isn't controlled by your conscious mind.  It's an involuntary muscle that beats without a single thought from us.  It's just like breathing.  We don't have to think every few seconds, breathe in...now out...again.  It just happens.  So getting your heart and mind to agree on most anything is going to be quite the battle. 

The next several weeks are kind of an anniversary for me, "The end of the end."  The beginning of the end happened years ago so between now and Valentine's Day is a really tough reminder of a pretty painful time in my life.  I don't remember much about this time last year but something pretty significant must have happened  on January 23, 2011 because it was on that day this year that the attack began.  

This morning He woke me up quite early.  I don't know what time it was but I do know it was pouring rain and very dark.  I barely opened my eyes to gauge the time but I immediately started talking to Him.  I was so frustrated about a situation from the day before I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but He waited for me.  He didn't try to interrupt but I could just barely hear Him trying to gently remind me that although He would wait for me to finish, He had heard me the night before and if I didn't be still and quiet for a moment I wouldn't be able to hear what He had to say on the matter.  So I tried my very best to close my mouth and listen.

You know I don't know about you but We actually have regular conversations.  People look at me funny when I say that but We actually do.   I talk He listens, when He talks I listen.  So whenever He wakes me up before the sunrise I tend to pay really close attention.  More then likely what He has to say must be pretty important because He knows I'm not a morning person. 

So this morning through the no-caffeine fog I heard Him tell me the following:

1. Not everything you are feeling is the truth. You know the truth in your head.  You can see the truth and I know you know the difference between the truth you feel and the lies your past is telling you.  
2. You know better then anyone else what you and your children need.  Don't let people make you feel powerless.  Don't allow people to patronize you or make you feel inferior.  Stand up and be heard.  
3. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel.  Don't let the actions of people in your past stand in the way of your happiness.  Remember the past can't hurt you unless you let it.  It's OK to be excited about your future.  Look forward to it, but don't let your fear hold you back.

I have PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Most people know about PTSD because they hear about it on the news when journalists talk about the stress of war on the men and women that defend our liberties.  Solders with PTSD often talk about not being able to relate to their families once they return home.  They are so scarred from the trauma of war that they don't feel that their actual reality is actual reality.  They jump at ever noise.  Every cry from their baby or child reminds them of death.  A simple backfire from a truck driving down their street can send them into attack mode.  My PTSD is triggered by certain body language and tone of voice.  It doesn't matter who is talking to me when I see and hear that combination my body goes on high alert. 

Your brain is an amazing creation.  Just like breathing and your heat rhythm, it does most things without a conscious though.  Synapses are fired, hormones and other chemicals are released without you ever knowing it.  There are parts of your brain that are triggered by sights and smells and sounds.   It can literally re-wire itself after injury or traumatic event, so when it's been conditioned to respond to a stimulus in a certain way after a long period of time it's not just as easy as flipping a switch to return the response to normal.   

It's interesting that He said that I know the difference between reality and my past. I know He's right.  I know I know the truth.  I know I know better then anyone else, even those with clinical degrees, on what myself and my children need.  I know I shouldn't be afraid to tell people how I feel.  I know that the people I have around me do not act the same as those in the past.  I know all these things yet conquering fear is really tough. 

So what do you do when faced with fear?  When I think about fear I think about Job (no not job as in something you do, Job like as in the Old Testament guy).  Job's story is very interesting, he was minding his business doing what he thought was right, following the laws when all of a sudden his life is turned upside down with trauma after trauma.  Bad things happen left and right to Job. 

In Job 2, the Creator and the Evil One are having a conversation and He says this about Job: “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”  The Evil One answers back and says basically that once he has his way with him, he will curse and run from the Holy One.  So the Evil One departs and starts trying to break Job of his righteousness.

Job never gives in.  His friends tell him to.  His wife tells him to, but all the while he remains "blameless and upright".  Job had all the reasons to believe that He had forsaken him.  He was under major attack by the Evil One.  His head and heart were battling with each other yet he never turned and ran. I believe He knew that ultimately he was chosen for battle because he was in His favor.

I know that I must be doing something right to come under attack like this.  Obviously if I had been forsaken He wouldn't have needed my attention so early this morning.  Sometimes in the battle of the heart and mind you simply need to be reminded that deep inside of you is the truth.  The truth is powerful. The truth lets you know that you have the power inside of you to overcome your fear, your past, your hurt or anything else that is standing in the way of your fulfillment. It may seem cliche' but embrace the truth within you. Don't let the shadows of your past hold you back any longer.         

His many blessings of 2011, Part 2

The other day I started a 3 part series, click here if you'd like to read Part 1. 

In Part 1, I thanked my son Brandon for his part in my transformation during 2011.  In Part 2, I'd like to thank another participant. 

I can say a lot about my next honoree.  He is truly blessed with an amazing ability to work with the gifts of The Spirit.  I have a few other friends that have that ability, all of which are major blessings to me, but his abilities stands out among them. I talked a little about him in this post, but I thought I would brag on him a little more.   

I'm 36 years old, been married more then once, yet there have been a lot of firsts in our relationship.  Although I can't remember my youth clearly, I do know he is the first man to consistently open my door for me.  Others did once or twice but as soon as they thought they had caught me, they stopped, but 9 months later he is still doing it.  I'm still not used to it though, often I have to stop from doing it myself.  I just hope I never take it for granted.

He's the first that simply listens.  No advice.  No football on behind me.  No constantly looking at his phone or watch to see how long I've been talking.  Just quiet patience as I get it off my chest and because of that I find it much easier to talk to him about "us".  I think he thinks we talk to much about it but never does he get mad or show any frustration.  He simply says that he doesn't want to talk about that now but if I want to we can.  That's not something I am used to either.  In the past I've been worried about opening my mouth and speaking up about something but now it's so easy I probably do it to much.

He's the first that I feel a close friendship with.  It's probably this way because we were just friends at first.  We learned to connect with each other on a much more "formal" level.  Not that our current relationship is "informal" but things change when you hold hands or kiss for the first time.  I really just like being with him.  We don't have to be doing anything.  Just sitting together have the strangest conversations, poking fun at each other and just enjoying each others presence. 

He apologizes more then any man I've known, which is very refreshing. Normally I'm the one that is always apologizing but he is quick to apologize when it is warranted. He tries much harder then most of the men that have been in my life.  I have totally fallen for him, yet he continues to pursue me.  He's always looking for new ways to enhance our relationship.  He invests in me for my benefit not just his or ours.  He's helped me pick up the pieces of my heart over the past 9 months.  Never complaining about how long it was taking or how much energy he was having to invest.  He's quick to call when I need him.  He's starting to let go of his independence and we are getting closer because of it.      

He honors me with his words that he speaks to me and to others.  He values my thoughts and feelings.  He blesses me with his grace and his compassion. I am privileged to call him my friend and I feel honored that he thinks about me when he thinks about the future.

His many blessings of 2011, Part 1

I started this blog in October 2010, right after what I would have considered a miracle that happened in my marriage, but shortly there after the magic of that miracle started to dissipate and by the New Year it was completely gone. I spent Valentine's Day 2011 in a strange new bed.  I was surrounded by friends but still felt completely alone.  I was broken and angry.  Lost in the darkness of the wilderness with no hope for a way out.

Thankfully, I ended 2011 in a much better place.  No longer alone.  No longer in the wilderness and with most of my pieces put back together.

I spent a lot of 2011 living in the past or at least anticipating the future based on my past experiences but as the year progressed I started looking forward to the future. 

Over the next couple of days I'd like to thank 3 people that helped see me through this year.  Yes there are many others that helped along the way.  I couldn't have done it without my friends and my parents but there are 3 people that really had an impact in my life this year.  Without them I might still be in the dark and certainly still in pieces. 

Firstly, I'd like to thank my son Brandon.  Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I blamed him for most of my problems.  He had been an easy target for blame since September 29th, 2009.  And because his actions were mentioned during the arguing and fighting that lead to my lonely Valentine's Day it was even easier this time to place the blame on his shoulders.  I will never forget how badly I treated him during those first few months of the year.  I know he has forgiven me for it, but I still hold myself accountable for the tears in his eyes when he just sat there allowing me to be angry and yell at him.  Thankfully both of us have changed since then, well really mostly me, he had done most of his work already leading up to the beginning of the year, but he has really taught me some important lessons in life.

In church you hear a lot about grace and forgiveness.  Both are great to hear about.  You learn that they are freely given from the Father but when you have to put them to practical use and extend those to people that you know especially ones that have truly hurt you it's a totally different story.  I am really good at extending grace in most situations.  It's really not that big of a deal if you spill milk on my freshly mopped floor or splatter toothpaste on my mirror but the hurt that he had caused was much bigger then a dirty floor or mirror.  It was a deep scar on the hearts of many people.  A scar so deep that some people still haven't found forgiveness, even now two years later. And for a while I thought I was allowed to carry unforgiveness because I saw what happened to my family in the wake of his destruction, but then I remembered this verse.

 ²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 NIV

I remembered that verse during a moment in church one Saturday night when Pastor John was praying for healing.  He said "If there is anyone you need to forgive do so now so that you can receive your blessings."  At that moment I realized that I wasn't able to receive the full blessing of my Heavenly Father because my heart was closed due to the unforgiveness I held deep in it. So that night I prayed and wrote Brandon a letter asking for forgiveness and telling him that it was time to move past the past and move forward into the future and so we did, together.

You don't really know how things will work until you just do it.  You can plan and plan but until you are in the thick of it, you're really just guessing about the possibilities.  Luckily both Brandon and I have become very good at extending grace and even though the toilet seat is up more often then down, it's been a blessing having him home. 

       

Put on His love

Back in September, I was 9 days away from finishing the Love Dare.  In my final post I wrote 10 things that I had learned over the study.

I have listed them below:

1. I've always known how difficult relationships can be but when people really believe that they can work they do.
2. I've noticed that dysfunctional relationships are the norm and that healthy relationships are hard to come by.
3. I've found that even though I talk a big game I know nothing about relationships.  If I did I might not have so much knowledge about them.
4. I've discovered that relationships are more then just 50/50, they're about giving your all, all the time.
5. I've learned  that you must make each other a priority and not just an option.
6. I've realized that sometimes the best thing that you can do for your significant other is to just be present in the moment.
7. I've known that sometimes we must get outside our comfort zones to better relate to our partners, but now I see that it is a requirement.
8. I've figured out that the only way to a healthy relationship is to start with a healthy you.
9. I've wised up to the fact that just because you've witnessed dysfunction in the past, you are still worthy of functionality.
10. I've determined that your past has nothing to do with your future. 

If you would have asked me this past winter if I thought I would even venture into another relationship again I would have said no but an unlikely story started to unfold in April of this year. 

I spent Valentine's Day sad and heart-broken but as March approached my whole outlook on life began to change. I started school and started attending Life again in the beginning of April.  I decided that I had enough time to mourn and I needed to start looking forward because I wasn't going anywhere while looking backwards, but I never expected to end up where I am now. 

I am  a hopeless romantic so of course I love the movie Serendipity.  The movie is about two people who meet by chance one winter's night but due to other circumstances they part ways never to meet again.  In the movie the female character writes her number down in a book with the premise that if he ever finds the book again, they were meant to be together.  Years pass, they are both engaged to marry other people and because of cold feet he starts his search for the girl again.  I won't give it away but the ending is every hopeless romantic's dream. 

I met someone by chance in 2004 and there was an instant connection.  I didn't know it at the time but there was a connection on both sides.  Everybody around us was suspicious of our status, yet we remained just friends until that fateful day in the Fall of 2007 when life took me in another direction.

There are some people that you just click with.  Friends that no matter the distance or time, when you see each other again its like you were never gone.  You can talk about or do nothing at all when you are with them and yet you still will have had one of the best nights of your life. People that care enough to help you unpack your hurts, even if its one piece at a time.  People that see you for who you are, yet accept you unconditionally. Those kind of people are kept in a special place in your heart.           

I didn't go looking for him.  I figured he was married with a bunch of kids, but when I saw him from across the parking lot I knew I had to reach out to him.  I really just wanted to apologize to him for leaving abruptly and without an explanation, but what started as a dinner to explain myself ended as the beginning of a journey into a new chapter of my life.

Those 10 points I mentioned all those months ago, I already knew but until now I hadn't had the opportunity to see if they actually meant something.  I don't want to point fingers or say who was right and who was wrong but relationships are between two people and when one or both are not putting on love for each other then the relationship is going to end in heartbreak.

Relationships are hard work.  Choices must be made everyday to choose love over anger or frustration or even hate.  Decisions about priorities are a daily battle.  Life gets in the way.  Work gets in the way.  Technology gets in the way.  Children and other people get in the way.  Its a daily battle to chose each other over the other interruptions in our lives. 

Good flourishing relationships are possible. With dysfunction all around us, it is possible to be content with one person for the rest of your life, but its a choice.

I've made a choice to finish the Love Dare, because I do know something about relationships and I was to continue to learn all I can about how to make them better. 

Made in His image

"Then He said, Let Us make man in our image, in Our likeness and let them rule...So He created man in His own image, male and female He created them." Genesis 1:26-27

I've written about my weight loss journey.  I've gotten many compliments about my dedication and sitck-to-it-ness but that's only have the story.  Yes losing 100 pounds was a major accomplishment but battling with self-image is much more difficult.

I've never thought of myself as beautiful.  I've always believed that there was a lot about me I'd like to change and as I began to gain weight, whatever thoughts of ever becoming beautiful went out the window. I remember there was a time that I avoided full length mirrors.  I wouldn't try on clothes at stores because I would have to get undressed in front of a mirror and look at myself.  I often bought clothes that were to big or baggy to help hide my body.  I got so good at hiding behind my clothes when someone finally noticed that I had lost a lot of weight and I told them how much I had lost, they couldn't believe the number because they couldn't figure out where I had kept all of it.

If you read my post about my weight loss you'll know that I wouldn't allow anyone to take pictures of me after that ill-fated Thanksgiving Day picture that was published on Facebook.  If a picture was mandatory I found ways to cover most of me and hopefully only have my head exposed. If I couldn't look at myself in the mirror there was no way that I would allow other people to see, but even now after all the weight I have lost I still struggle with my body image.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in quite a few years called me beautiful.  I thanked her for her comment but I was struck by it.  Had I always been right in my thinking about not being pretty?  She didn't know me when I was at my heaviest but in my mind there must have been quite a difference in 5 years ago and now.

This was the other verse I read during my quiet time this morning:

"And I praise You because of the wonderful ways you created me.  Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt.  With Your own eyes saw my body being formed.  Even before I was born, You had written in Your book everything I would                             do."  Psalm 139:14

David wrote that verse.  I imagine him dancing (David did a lot of dancing) around in front of a mirror admiring His work on him.  I am getting better at dancing in front of the mirror and admiring my accomplishment but changing 20 years of thinking is hard work.  I see the difference.  I feel the difference and I look different but thinking differently is totally different. 

There is even a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder that is common among women and men that have eating disorders. BDD sufferers actually see themselves as fat.  When they look in the mirror they see a totally different image of what is actually there.  You can't convince them that they are bone skinny.  They believe that people are lying to them about what the scale says.  Most people with untreated BDD die because they diet themselves to death.  They are never happy with what they see in the mirror.  No amount of talk will ever convince them that they are beautiful.  They see fat and they see ugly.

Those that do get diagnosed go through intensive therapy to re-wire their brains and thought patterns. There is research that is proving that their brains have been miss-wired because of the bad thought processes that have been going on for years. Bad thought connections have to be replaced with good thoughts and the process is almost painful for the participant because they have to come to grips with the frail state of their actual bodies. 

I am happy with the way I look.  I really like it when people call me beautiful and I am finally starting to believe them.  I am learning that I just might not be able to loose anymore weight because there is simply not much left to loose.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Created perfectly in His image.  I am not junk!

My moment in His presence

I read this today during my quiet time:

"Let Me infuse My peace into your innermost being.  As you sit quietly in the Light of My Presence, you can sense peace growing within you. This is not something that you will accomplish through self-discipline and willpower; it is opening yourself to receive My blessing"  Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I write a lot about worry. You know my life verse is Philippians 4:6-7...Do not worry about anything, but in everything pray.  And His peace, which transcends understanding will guard your hearts and your minds."  Worry is a huge problem in our country.  We worry about everything, things we can control and things we can't.  People can't seem to find peace in their lives.

I've been learning a lot about peace and patience the past several months.  I've been praying about something for several months now and the answer that I continue to get is "Be patient and quiet."  For those of you that know me, know I am neither of those things. I am a born communicator.  When I have something to say, I say it, but I have really been trying to keep my mouth shut and patiently wait on the results.

If you've been reading for a while you know that I have gotten that answer before and the results were less then stellar.  I don't know if it was me or something else that caused the less then stellar results but nevertheless when I got that answer I knew it was my turn to really do my part and here's what I have learned... 

"There are somethings that you just can't control and worrying about those things only makes you crazy."

I know that might seem basic, but its the truth.  Worrying about things you can't control doesn't help our body, soul and spirit. In fact, worry and the stress it brings hurts us physically. 

I was thinking about my testimony the other day and this was one of my thoughts...

"As I continue to be faithful, He continues to be faithful.  I can't change much about my circumstance.  I can't change my past.  I can't change the people around me but I can change my attitude and my priorities.  So as I continue to walk the path He has laid out before me, with a thankful heart, He continues to provide for me in ways that I never thought possible.  I AM more valuable then the sparrows."

Bring the little children to Him

I love watching "19 kids and counting".  You know, its the show about the Duggars.  The Arkansas couple that has 19 kids and 2 grand-kids.  The show has been on for several years and each year since the show has aired they have had to change the name because Michelle keeps popping them out.  I thought there was a possibility that next year the name was going to be 20 kids and counting but during the last episode Jim Bob mentioned that he thought their childbearing years were over. 

In an episode called "38 kids and counting", the Duggars travel cross country in their tour bus, yes all 18 kids went with them, to visit another family that has 19 kids as well.  I was struck by a conversation between Jim Bob and the other father.  They both said that they were the happiest men on the earth because of the "Blessings (children) that He had bestowed on them."  I was taken aback by their comment because there are people in this world that have 1 child and think that they are a hindrance to their life.  They don't see them as blessings, they see them as obstacles.

I have 3 kids and more times then I would rather admit I haven't thought of them as blessings.  Not to say that my kids aren't great but like all kids, some days are better then others.  Each one of my children have had their own challenges growing up, my oldest especially.

One thing I don't like about "19 kids and counting" is that though its reality TV, it seems unreal because they don't ever show their kids struggling with tough stuff.  Now I realize that as a homeschooling family with a strict belief system, they are not faced with the same challenges as most families are but sometimes its hard to relate to the Duggars and their "perfect" kids.      

All kids face challenges, I'm sure if the Duggar kids went to public school or spent more time outside the confines of their home, their beliefs and values would be most certainly challenged.  Like I said above, all of my children have faced challenges but I'd have to say that my oldest has done more struggling in his short 16 years then most people do in a lifetime.

When kids struggle I think its harder on the parents then it is on the kids, because the kids have a choice to make things better, the parents can't make them choose so all the parents can do is watch and wait.  Although sometimes the parents do have a choice, they can choose to either continue to support their children while they struggle or not.  But when you get to that point, most of the time there is only one option and its often a heart-breaking one.
 
Though my oldest has struggled for the past 10 years and especially for the last 2, I'm very proud of where he is now.  Unfortunately I was faced with the decision to support or not to support him while he struggled.  It was one of the hardest choices I had to make and my heart was tormented for almost a year while I had to keep him at arms length, but about 3 months ago I was finally able to see through my hurt and see the change that had taken place in him.

18 months ago I had all but given up on him.  During that time I was certain that he was not a blessing.  I had poured my heart and soul into him for months, years even and all I had gotten were lies and fakery. Obviously I couldn't help someone that didn't want to help themselves, plus I needed to recover from my own hurt so I made the decision to stop being involved in his life. 

6 months ago if you would have asked me if he would ever be in my life again I would have given you a firm "No".  I was so hurt by my son that I yelled at him in front of a room full of people during a meeting we were having several months ago but it was that meeting that started to melt my heart.  It was the first time in years that I saw him cry and actually feel bad about what he had been doing to himself and our family. I had been carrying all of his guilt for all these years and finally he had shown that he had been affected by our suffering.

However it wasn't until a few months later that I had a moment when I finally let go of the hurt and anger.  It was in that moment that I realized that no matter his struggles he was still a blessing and that his struggles were bringing him closer to his Heavenly Father and to our family.

Over the past several months I have been introduced to a totally different child. About 2 months ago He made a Fresh Start and then was water baptized.  He's excited about getting to serve and really connecting in with our church home. 

You can't always predict what children will do with their lives.  Whether they will get good grades or behave well or even adhere to your standards and values.  I bet even the Duggar parents pray everyday that their children will continue to follow in their footsteps and continue walking closely with their Heavenly Father, but what you can be assured of is that even wayward kids are still under the close watch of Him.  He never leaves us or forsakes us.  Even when we think we are far from His reach, He still has hold of us.  But sometimes you just have to learn the hard way and in learning the hard way, we become even closer to our Creator because eventually we see that His love is unconditional and that He never gave up on us.  He was only allowing us to find Him in our own time.