He wept

In all fairness and truth, I wanted to share my afternoon with you...not long after I posted He never lets go a friend of mine sent me a message that said, "When we worry we are saying to Him, we don't think You can take care of our problems."  I thought about that while I clutched my hand cross as I drove my daughter to an appointment. Unfortunately the more I thought about my leap of faith the more I worried.  Not just a simple worrying thought running through my head but my entire body was worried.  My stomach was tight, my heart was racing, and my palms were sweaty, but I kept holding on to that cross.

In a book I recently read about worry, they talked about His Son's worry right before His death.  While in the Garden of Gethsemane, "He became deeply distressed and horrified."  Then He said to James and John, "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow - to the point of death."  And then He said while praying, "Abba, Father!  All things are possible for you.  Take this cup away from Me.  Nevertheless, not what I will but what You will." 

In another translation He says to James and John, "“My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death."  In yet another translation, His prayer is this, "Papa, Father, You can—can't You?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do You want?"  Yes, that is the question, what do You want for me?  What do You want me to learn from all of this? Why must I walk through this?

I love how human He is when He says, "You can - can't You? - get me out of this."  He was the Son of the Creator, but even He doubted His power and His will for His life at that crucial moment. So instead of shaming myself for doubting, I remembered that even the Son doubted and worried, even though He knew that redemption would happen just a few days later.

So back to Jonah...Jonah doubted His will for his life and in response he ran.  In Jonah's mind there was no way that He knew what He was doing if He wanted Jonah to give news to the Assyrians.  Jonah worried that he would get hurt or worse killed by the Assyrians, plus Jonah thought it was crazy that He who loved the Chosen People would want terrorists to repent and know His love.

Unlike Jonah, I am not running but I am scared like His Son.  Though I know redemption is right around the corner, I can't help but feel helpless.  I am human after all, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".   I read in one translation that when the Son was in the garden that He sweated blood because He was so worried.  I wasn't sweating blood today, but it was close.  

I have had a death-grip on that cross for the past three weeks.  I have worried the wax off that cross but the cross reminds me that He never lets go.  The arms of the cross wrap around my fingers like that of a hand, His hand.  And as I cry out to Him, I hold the cross close to me and I pray for those, like Jonah, that think they have to run when trouble comes.

His way is never the easy way.  His way is never the fastest way, but His way is always the right way.  And as I head to bed tonight, hand still clutching the cross, I know that even though I worry, He loves me anyway.