Walking by His side

If you've been following me for a while you know that my theme song is Trust and Obey or Big Daddy Weave's version.  Tonight during a crisis of faith His Spirit reminded me of my song and its meaning in my life.  I was feeling sorry for myself and questioning His faithfulness and as I was looking toward heaven praying, I was gently told to play the song and listen again to its lyrics.  So I did and the verse that stuck out this time was this:

Not a burden we bear,
  Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
  Not a grief or a loss,
  Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

It reminded me that He has seen me this far and He is not about to give up now.  I may be repeating myself from other posts but apparently I needed to be reminded yet again and if you have been reading for a while you know that I tend to forget easily.  So I am glad that His Spirit is gentle with me while giving me my repeated reminders.  The word that stuck out is toil, so I looked it up.  Here is what Merriam Webster says about the word toil:

1 archaic a : struggle, battle b : laborious effort

2: long strenuous fatiguing labor

The last eighteen months are summed up in that definition, a long strenuous fatiguing labor.   As a woman who has had babies when I think of labor I think of delivering my eldest son.  It was 16 hours strapped to a bed on my back, not being able to move or change positions.  As a first time mom nothing prepared me for this extreme labor.  I had taken all the classes, learned to breathe through the pain but this baby was determined to come the hard way.  Finally 10 hours into the labor I gave into an epidural but that wasn't the end of things.  The labor still took another 6 hours, 3 of which I pushed.  Now I am not sure where my anesthesiologist went to school but I don't think he passed the epidural section.  He had that sucker turned up so high that I felt nothing so the pushing was going nowhere, but yet I kept on pushing.  Pushing and pushing for 3 hours and finally when I felt like I was going to pop they wheeled me into the delivery room and out came my son. I've had other babies since but they were nothing in comparison.

I have a lot of anger towards the hospital and the Doctors that I was in the care of during that birth.  After talking to other Doctors, they couldn't find reason to keep me confined to the bed not being able to change positions especially after finding out he came face up.  There answer was, "Oh yes, you should have been able to get up and move.  I bet the pain was just terrible!"  I just smile and nod in agreement with their response.

Yes toiling is painful and often you feel like you are strapped to a table and there is no escape.  You must endure the pain without being able to change positions to help ease the stress.  There is always lots of anger towards people and towards the heavens.

Another issue I faced during my son's labor was self-doubt.  I had planned a natural delivery and when things went south, I started doubting my natural ability to do what I had planned.  Self-doubt is a strong contender, it comes at you hard and fast and doesn't let up.

This verse of the song speaks to what we need to do with self-doubt:

But we never can prove
  The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
  For the favor He shows,
  And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

We have to let it go because even though it's hard to see, He is looking out for us.  Lay it on the altar and leave it there.  Ahh, another theme in my posts, leaving things on the altar and not picking them up, but alas not picking them up again is so difficult.  We often put Him in a box and turn things over but expect Him to do things on our terms and in on our time table.  Being still and waiting is torturous, but it is necessary for Him to do His work.     

What are you praying for?  What is keeping you strapped to the bed of self-doubt?  Have you turned it over but like me keep picking it up?  Be still and know He has it covered.