His healing

The other day I posted "His Power".  In it I mentioned that I was a lot like the synagogue leader who pleaded with the Son for the healing of his daughter.  I'm sure we all plead with Him from time to time but over the last few months I have gotten into a habit of pleading during my prayer time.

Looking back I realize that I was a lot like my kids when they want something from me.  They use every tactic, even promising me the moon if I give them what they want.  In fact the other day my daughter wanted to watch a little more TV. In our house TV is a luxury not a staple, and I have been being very lenient with their television watching lately while I have been studying but the other day she was glued to the TV so much that she couldn't get her regular chores done.  So when I told her to turn it off, she came and begged me to let her watch the last few minutes of the show.  She said things like, "it's only a few more minutes".  "I promise I can get my chores done before bedtime." Or my favorite, "If you let me watch the last few minutes, I promise I will do extra chores tomorrow." When I didn't give in, she stomped off and muttered under her breath.

I think we are all like her some of the times, we beg and plead and when we don't get what we want, we stomp off and mutter under our breath how unfair it is that we are not getting what we want.  We do that when we don't get what we want from Him as well.  Granted I haven't stomped off and pouted but I do agree my pleading has gotten out of hand. 

The night that I spoke of in His Power, when I was reflecting on the scripture, I heard Him speak to me about my pleading.   That word "plead" stuck out in the scripture and then I heard, "Stop pleading, I have heard your cries, healing has already begun."  Now though I don't know exactly what that means, I have made it my Lenten resolution not to plead during prayers and man it's been tough.

Habits are hard to break, especially long term ones.  I find myself praying, "Here I am Lord, explain to me what all this means.  Help me to see where healing has begun, help me to appreciate Your work in my life." But even that said night after night is almost like pleading, granted I'm not promising something I won't be able to follow through on and I'm not saying pretty please with sugar on top, but it is the same prayer over and over again.

Now, that is not the only thing I pray about each night, but it is the focus of my prayers. Sometimes I say, "let me have Your eyes" or of course I ask for a tangible sign to point me in the direction of the healing, so I guess I am getting better but changing the way you have been praying is tough.

I find it funny that I say that because the church I grew up in had prayers that you memorized and when I left that church I promised myself that I wouldn't go back to that way of praying, but again old habits die hard and I have found myself repeating the same general prayer each night, but here's the thing He is not answering.  He continues to be quiet and that speaks louder then words, at least to me it does.

I believe He is not answering because I already know the answer and though it's not the answer that I wanted, it's the answer that I need to hear.  He's not answering because it's my healing that has begun, and as I type tears are streaming down my face because I know that my healing from the last several years is more important then the other healings I have been begging and pleading for.

I am still in the wilderness, but like I mentioned the other day He's there with me and the fact that He is not answering, just means that He is carrying me.

I'm used to back and forth chatter with Him, I am not used to silence.  I know that might sound funny to some people but I recognize the small voice and I look for times to be silent to make sure I hear it, so this silence is deafening, but the silence is speaking to me as well.

Now I believe that He is all powerful and you can't wear Him out, but I also believe that when He needs to do something big, He puts His head down and gets to work.  And that is what is happening with me, He has His head down and is hard at work on me.  I know that most of us can relate to that in some way, when we need to focus or concentrate hard on something, we tune others out and point our heads in the direction we need to go and we do what we need to do.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't think He has tuned me out but I do think that all of my questions will be answered eventually and that patience is necessary in obtaining those answers.  Again it all goes back to my theme song, "Trust and Obey".    

But lately I have been listening to "Blessings" by Laura Story.  My favorite verse is this one:

                  We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear,

     And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

     We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love,

    As if every promise from Your word is not enough

    All the while, You hear such desperate plea, but long that we’d have faith to believe

That verse speaks to me because that has been my prayer for the past several nights and in the beginning when I didn't hear His voice, I was angry, I did doubt but then I remembered that He never gives up on us and there is always a reason when He isn't speaking.

So my prayer tonight will be this, "Thank You for your healing.  Thank You that in times of trouble You carry me.  Thank You that You are working in me even when I can't feel Your presence and thank You that You have never given up on me, even when I had given up on myself."

Will your prayers change tonight?