In His hands, Part 2

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Because I had taken care of everyone but myself I came down with pneumonia.  My body was in chaos because of my emotions and due to the stress my simple cold turned into something nasty.  I was still needing to be the first responder and deal with the emergency at hand but my body revolted.  That was Tuesday, the retreat started in two days.  I was hesitant to go to the Doctor because I knew that pneumonia could put you in the hospital but when I started gasping for breath I knew I couldn't wait any longer.  So on Wednesday I went to the Doctor and came home with a sore behind and an inhaler. While I was at the Doctor I posted on Facebook for prayers because nothing was going to stop me from going to this retreat.  I had to get away from the chaos of my life.  I had to go somewhere to be surrounded by people who would love on me.  The prayers went up immediately and the next day due to the miracle of medicine and the miracle of prayers I was ready for my weekend.

I like the unexpected, so when I got to the retreat center I was a little nervous about the weekend but not as much as the other ladies that were there.  You go on this retreat not knowing what to expect, you hear a few things from people but you really never know what is coming next.  I know there is a reason for this, not knowing allows you to be open to the next experience and there is no time to hesitate or think twice, you just go with the flow. But they also take away your watches and cell phones.  My cell phone is my lifeline, you can text me, call me, IM me, Facebook me or email me and because I have a smartphone I will know you need me in a matter of moments, so the thought of not having my phone was tough but as I found out as we drove closer and closer to Pinecrest, there is no service for smartphones in that neck of the woods so it helped to ease the pain of not being able to use it.  Later I realized that it was a blessing that it didn't work, but we will talk about that later.

Without saying to much, it was a weekend of great release.  I cried and cried and cried.  I cried so much during one evening that Pastor Chris brought me water because he was afraid I would dehydrate myself.  I cried good tears, I cried painful tears.  I cried when I couldn't look at the picture in the front of the chapel because of my shame.  I cried when I realized that I wasn't alone and that there were many people around me that loved me and would help carry me through this crisis.  I cried when I was reminded of His grace and His love for me and I cried when I realized that I could leave my crisis on the altar and He would take it from there.

That many tears was unexpected but I walked away from that weekend with a great peace in my heart.  A peace that I have only felt a few times in my life and a peace that I go back to when I get all caught up in recovering from this crisis.  A peace that I felt when I prayed for a miracle in my marriage and a peace that I feel now even though I am worried about tomorrow.   It was a good beginning to a long walk.

But I wish I could say that I came home and everything had changed, however on the way home, I checked my voice mail and I had a message that quickly reminded me that the crisis was still looming.  While my other friends were at home still on the mountain top, I was pushed down the mountain by an avalanche and I spent my 3rd day in a place that I never thought I would step foot and when I left with an empty seat that peace that I had felt disappeared quickly and was replaced by anger and hurt.  

Isn't it funny how one day we can be full of His joy and the next forget He is even there? 

This anger and hurt turned me into someone I didn't know.  Sure I faked it well when I was around other people but to people who were closest to me they knew I was hurting.  I even started holding grudges against people that loved me and wanted to help me.  I had forgotten that I put my crisis in His hands.  I had forgotten that I could lean on Him instead of blaming other people. He had made a spot for me at the Banquet but instead of dwelling in His peace, I was wandering in the desert.

Now granted I still had my moments with Him, but the weight of the crisis weighed heavy on me.  I talked and He listened.  I listened and He spoke.  He lead, I followed and He lead me back on the perfect Sunday.