After a Christmas that my husband said was the best one so far, I had a kid say, "Is that really it?" Have you ever thought that? After praying for a husband or a wife or a child or anything for that matter, were you disappointed in what you had received? Disappointment like change is inevitable, it comes with life, but why is that? Why would we be disappointed in something that He gave us? Why would we second guess Him and His work in our lives?
I think the Jews were disappointed in what they received that first Christmas. They were expecting a King, or a warrior not a baby. The prophets had foretold of a great and mighty figure and what they received was a child born in a stable. If I was them, I think I would have had second thoughts about who this child actually was as well.
Disappointment creeps into our lives unexpectedly. We start focusing on annoyances or faults and forget to see Him in others or in situations. I know disappointment destroys relationships. Relationships that in the beginning we were sure were sent from Heaven turn into hatefulness. I know that people's relationship with Him can end up that way as well, but thankfully He is patient and He is always waiting for our return.
As a married woman, I know how easy it is to look at what you believe are your mate's faults and dwell on them. Women and men are very different and since we can normally only see things our way we can't understand why our mates don't behave the way we think they should.
Women especially think that they can change the men in their lives, "Make them into the man that I need them to be." And sometimes it works, especially when the man loves them as much as they do, but most of the time it backfires and turns the man into a resentful person. Granted we all have our faults, we all are not perfect, we all have things we need to change about ourselves, but why would we work so hard on changing something that was sent from Him?
I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas, a house full of my kids. However after it was all said and done, I ended up with several broken dishes, a broken planter and a nasty cold. Was that what I expected? No, but it was what I got. My daughter received a guitar for Christmas, it was what she wanted but what she didn't realize was that hard work and callouses were to follow. She wasn't exactly disappointed but it wasn't what she was expecting.
Was your picture of your mate that way? Did you get what you wanted but not what your were expecting? Is your picture of Him the same? Has He given you what you wanted but not in a way that you were expecting?
Part of the sermon at my Church this Sunday was a challenge to take what we were given and do something with it. Now she was speaking of the Good News but I think that speaks to all of us. That old adage, "when life hands you lemons make lemonade", stands true.
I am reminded of Rahab, she was a prostitute, far from perfect but yet she is mentioned in the lineage of the Son. We need to look beyond our perception of faults in others and in Him. We need see that those perceived faults might just be exactly what we need. I know I mentioned that in my last post, my husbands stubbornness, though it makes me crazy at times, helped to save my marriage.
He doesn't see us through human eyes, He sees us through perfect eyes and He sees that our faults might be our greatest strengths. Look at people though the eyes of Him. I know that it is hard to see good where you can only see bad but look at it with a different perspective and you might be surprised as to what you see.
If we look at others as He looks at us, the world would be changed. Marriages would be saved, therapists would be out of work and children everywhere wouldn't have to turn to others for support. Don't be disappointed in what you have received, relish in the little things. I know it's cliche but focus on the positive. He knew what He was doing when He put you in this relationship.
Over the last 15 months I have learned that prayer changes everything. Praying for change in another person is ok, but I suggest you pray for a change in yourself. Pray that you will see the small things. Pray that you will have the opportunity to praise the other person and pray that your change will be evident to others and that it might soften their hearts to His work in their lives.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
In His hands, Part I
In a past post I said this,
I remember being very calm that day, my adolescent training had kicked in the moment I received the call, but I immediately jumped into action. I made phone calls, I cared for people that I love as they slipped into shock. I did what moms do best and that's take care of everyone but themselves. I didn't think about work, I left without telling them what was happening. I did what needed to be done, I came to the aid of my family.
That day would start me down a path that I would have never thought I would walk down.
Funny thing happens to mom's when they put others needs in front of theirs, they eventually fall apart and about two days later I did just that. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. My world had come crashing down on me and I was helpless to do anything to fix it.
I was at the breaking point, many thoughts kept passing through my mind, I felt every emotion. But there was hope on the horizon.
An unexpected letter arrived in the mail a week later, that is a Monday and a letter I will never forget. This letter was a directly from Him. The letter said that a spot had opened up in a retreat that I had been wanting to attend and that my presence was requested at the end of the week. There at the retreat was the chance to collect myself and take care of that piece of me that was hurting so badly, it was a simple gift but there were more obstacles to over come before I could get there.
Most people would be asking, "Why does this always happen to me?" I've quit asking that question, mostly because I don't like the answer I receive but also because I have come to believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that because I can't believe that He who loves me so wants me to check out from this world and go on to be with Him before He is done with me here on the earth. He put me here for a reason and I must fulfill that purpose. That has been my mantra since my last birthday, it reminds me that He made me and that He has great plans for me and though I have tried, I am certainly not in a place to question His omnipotence.I wanted to tell you about the answer that I keep receiving when asking the question, "Why does this always happen to me?" But to answer the question let me speak to the beginning of my journey that started on Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 at 9am.
I remember being very calm that day, my adolescent training had kicked in the moment I received the call, but I immediately jumped into action. I made phone calls, I cared for people that I love as they slipped into shock. I did what moms do best and that's take care of everyone but themselves. I didn't think about work, I left without telling them what was happening. I did what needed to be done, I came to the aid of my family.
That day would start me down a path that I would have never thought I would walk down.
Funny thing happens to mom's when they put others needs in front of theirs, they eventually fall apart and about two days later I did just that. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. My world had come crashing down on me and I was helpless to do anything to fix it.
I was at the breaking point, many thoughts kept passing through my mind, I felt every emotion. But there was hope on the horizon.
An unexpected letter arrived in the mail a week later, that is a Monday and a letter I will never forget. This letter was a directly from Him. The letter said that a spot had opened up in a retreat that I had been wanting to attend and that my presence was requested at the end of the week. There at the retreat was the chance to collect myself and take care of that piece of me that was hurting so badly, it was a simple gift but there were more obstacles to over come before I could get there.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Looking to You
Sometimes all you can do is pray...
We thank You that You are always in control, even when we feel like nothing is going our way. You, that knew us before we were made, always have hold of us even when we think we are alone. We don't know what plans You have for us, but we lean on You in this moment. We struggle to understand when hard times come our way but we know that You bring peace during the storms of our life. We know that it is during those storms that You come closer to us and in turn we learn more about Your grace. Please come close, we need Your presence as we walk through life's difficulties.
Sometimes the best way through an issue is on our knees, tonight we come to You on those knees asking for Your guidance, show us the way through these troubled times. We ask that Your Helper fill us with His presence and keep us strong during this time of uncertainty. We ask that Your angels surround our families, protect us from those that would see the negative in our situation and surround us with those that look to You for their peace and understanding.
We ask that You speak loudly and clearly to us as we navigate this season of our lives. We wait with anticipation for Your next move. We know that good things are in store for us, we must only wait on You. In this season we put our eyes on You, show us Your mercy.
In Your awesome and mighty name we pray...
We thank You that You are always in control, even when we feel like nothing is going our way. You, that knew us before we were made, always have hold of us even when we think we are alone. We don't know what plans You have for us, but we lean on You in this moment. We struggle to understand when hard times come our way but we know that You bring peace during the storms of our life. We know that it is during those storms that You come closer to us and in turn we learn more about Your grace. Please come close, we need Your presence as we walk through life's difficulties.
Sometimes the best way through an issue is on our knees, tonight we come to You on those knees asking for Your guidance, show us the way through these troubled times. We ask that Your Helper fill us with His presence and keep us strong during this time of uncertainty. We ask that Your angels surround our families, protect us from those that would see the negative in our situation and surround us with those that look to You for their peace and understanding.
We ask that You speak loudly and clearly to us as we navigate this season of our lives. We wait with anticipation for Your next move. We know that good things are in store for us, we must only wait on You. In this season we put our eyes on You, show us Your mercy.
In Your awesome and mighty name we pray...
Friday, December 3, 2010
Your move
In times of uncertainty what is your first move? Do you jump to blame or anger or do you look towards Him for guidance? I wish I could say that I always looked towards heaven first for help but I don't. I like like many people jump to blame and of course I almost never blame myself. I can't explain why things happen to people, whether it's bad luck, bad karma or evil forces but stuff does happen, bad stuff happens.
However, again it's only our response that we can control. Remember we are the only ones in charge of our emotions and we actually get to choose how we respond. I know that's tough to believe that we make a choice in that split second but it is a choice and it speaks to the condition of our heart when we make that choice.
At an early age I was trained as somewhat of a first responder, I knew what to do when tragedy struck. I was taught to remain calm under extreme circumstances so to most people when something happens to me or around me, I am unusually calm. But that is only on the outside, on the inside I am a ball of nerves, I am anxious and especially needy. But over the past 15 months I have felt moments of extreme peace during especially tough times in my life.
That kind of peace is the peace that passes all understanding. When the world is going crazy around you, when the light that you see at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming, at those moments in your life when that kind of peace comes over you, you know it's His work.
I am in one of those moments now, yet another bump in the road has happened in my life but yet He is saying to me that it is going to be ok. "I have taken care of you this far, I am certainly not going to stop now." But I am still anxious as to what might come next .
Most people would be asking, "Why does this always happen to me?" I've quit asking that question, mostly because I don't like the answer I receive but also because I have come to believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that because I can't believe that He who loves me so wants me to check out from this world and go on to be with Him before He is done with me here on the earth. He put me here for a reason and I must fulfill that purpose. That has been my mantra since my last birthday, it reminds me that He made me and that He has great plans for me and though I have tried, I am certainly not in a place to question His omnipotence.
You can't question His purpose for your life but you can go inward and look inside of you to see what needs to be cleaned out in order for His purposes to be fulfilled. I have been doing a lot of cleaning lately,and boy is that hard. Looking at your own sin is tough. It's easy to point out others sins but when you have to look within and point out your own faults that takes a great deal of strength. What I have found is that I'm not found of who I was. But as I reflect on His work in me, I have to smile a bit when I see the changes. I still have a long way to go but knowing things have changed gives me reason to continue to look inward and really explore those parts of my life that I have hidden from His view.
I wouldn't say that I have any regrets for how I have lived my life, but I have really made some bad choices. I lived for a long time, my way and not His and my path has strayed long from His. I've gotten closer at times but then veered off in another direction and wandered further away. I have tried to hide from Him but as He watched from afar He still loved me even when I wouldn't love Him.
Funny to say I learned more about Him through a silly kids video series then all my years in parochial school. My favorite video is the story of Jonah. Jonah knew Him, He spoke to him, he was His prophet, but Jonah wandered far from Him. He told him to do something and Jonah turned and ran. But like all of us, Johna's sin caught up to him and he was swallowed by a whale.
I would bet that as Jonah sat in the belly of the whale, he had the same questions we do. "Why me? I'm a good guy, this wasn't that big of a sin." "If Your so powerful, why didn't You stop me?" "Why would You do this to me?" But as we know there is no such thing as a small sin or a large sin, however no matter what our sin, we like Jonah can be redeemed. But like Jonah most of us have to get swallowed by a whale before we realize it and unfortunately if you are like me you may have to get swallowed more then once.
Yes I have been swallowed many times, over and over He has offered me His love and time after time I would blame Him for my problems and push Him away. I would blame Him for not making me perfectly, and for making me defective. Himself the loving Creator made a bad mistake when he made me, He couldn't be perfect if He made me the way I am. I've recently tried to blame Him for the crisis that struck our family 15 months ago, surely an all powerful Being wouldn't let this happen to me and my family but He did.
It's taken years for me to realize that I am wonderfully made and that I am perfect in His eyes. It hurts me to think that I once had such a low opinion of myself that I was blaming the One person that loved me unconditionally and saw through my faults and it took me many months to realize that our family crisis was part of a bigger picture. I have begun to believe that good comes out of the worst situations. Sometimes you see it immediately and other times it's like a movie, you have to wait until the end to see how it turns out.
I am patiently waiting for the end of my movie and even though it seems like a trilogy the end will eventually come and all of the strife and struggles will end in something good.
However, again it's only our response that we can control. Remember we are the only ones in charge of our emotions and we actually get to choose how we respond. I know that's tough to believe that we make a choice in that split second but it is a choice and it speaks to the condition of our heart when we make that choice.
At an early age I was trained as somewhat of a first responder, I knew what to do when tragedy struck. I was taught to remain calm under extreme circumstances so to most people when something happens to me or around me, I am unusually calm. But that is only on the outside, on the inside I am a ball of nerves, I am anxious and especially needy. But over the past 15 months I have felt moments of extreme peace during especially tough times in my life.
That kind of peace is the peace that passes all understanding. When the world is going crazy around you, when the light that you see at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming, at those moments in your life when that kind of peace comes over you, you know it's His work.
I am in one of those moments now, yet another bump in the road has happened in my life but yet He is saying to me that it is going to be ok. "I have taken care of you this far, I am certainly not going to stop now." But I am still anxious as to what might come next .
Most people would be asking, "Why does this always happen to me?" I've quit asking that question, mostly because I don't like the answer I receive but also because I have come to believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that because I can't believe that He who loves me so wants me to check out from this world and go on to be with Him before He is done with me here on the earth. He put me here for a reason and I must fulfill that purpose. That has been my mantra since my last birthday, it reminds me that He made me and that He has great plans for me and though I have tried, I am certainly not in a place to question His omnipotence.
You can't question His purpose for your life but you can go inward and look inside of you to see what needs to be cleaned out in order for His purposes to be fulfilled. I have been doing a lot of cleaning lately,and boy is that hard. Looking at your own sin is tough. It's easy to point out others sins but when you have to look within and point out your own faults that takes a great deal of strength. What I have found is that I'm not found of who I was. But as I reflect on His work in me, I have to smile a bit when I see the changes. I still have a long way to go but knowing things have changed gives me reason to continue to look inward and really explore those parts of my life that I have hidden from His view.
I wouldn't say that I have any regrets for how I have lived my life, but I have really made some bad choices. I lived for a long time, my way and not His and my path has strayed long from His. I've gotten closer at times but then veered off in another direction and wandered further away. I have tried to hide from Him but as He watched from afar He still loved me even when I wouldn't love Him.
Funny to say I learned more about Him through a silly kids video series then all my years in parochial school. My favorite video is the story of Jonah. Jonah knew Him, He spoke to him, he was His prophet, but Jonah wandered far from Him. He told him to do something and Jonah turned and ran. But like all of us, Johna's sin caught up to him and he was swallowed by a whale.
I would bet that as Jonah sat in the belly of the whale, he had the same questions we do. "Why me? I'm a good guy, this wasn't that big of a sin." "If Your so powerful, why didn't You stop me?" "Why would You do this to me?" But as we know there is no such thing as a small sin or a large sin, however no matter what our sin, we like Jonah can be redeemed. But like Jonah most of us have to get swallowed by a whale before we realize it and unfortunately if you are like me you may have to get swallowed more then once.
Yes I have been swallowed many times, over and over He has offered me His love and time after time I would blame Him for my problems and push Him away. I would blame Him for not making me perfectly, and for making me defective. Himself the loving Creator made a bad mistake when he made me, He couldn't be perfect if He made me the way I am. I've recently tried to blame Him for the crisis that struck our family 15 months ago, surely an all powerful Being wouldn't let this happen to me and my family but He did.
It's taken years for me to realize that I am wonderfully made and that I am perfect in His eyes. It hurts me to think that I once had such a low opinion of myself that I was blaming the One person that loved me unconditionally and saw through my faults and it took me many months to realize that our family crisis was part of a bigger picture. I have begun to believe that good comes out of the worst situations. Sometimes you see it immediately and other times it's like a movie, you have to wait until the end to see how it turns out.
I am patiently waiting for the end of my movie and even though it seems like a trilogy the end will eventually come and all of the strife and struggles will end in something good.
Where is He?
Have you ever felt like you were sitting motionless while to world spun past you? Many weeks ago I felt just that way. At least in my case that wasn't a good feeling, it was a feeling of helplessness and of worthlessness. As I sat motionless all I could hear was silence, and the silence was deafening. I called out for Him but I could not hear Him. I felt like I had been forgotten, where was He when I needed Him so much. My birthday was coming up and with the anniversary of our family's tragedy on the horizon I needed reassurance, I needed comfort, I needed peace.
Have you ever met someone in a strange circumstance and they become very close to you? Several years ago I met someone in just that way. Her openness and boldness about an issue that we share drew me to her. Her empathy towards others and her extension of mercy to people keeps me intrigued. Her faithfulness, even through rough times, has helped to keep me on track when I thought all was lost. We have been through a lot together these past 15 months both sharing with each other our moments of tears and joy. There have been times that each of us have only been there to listen or to pray while the other torments about issues in their life, but at least in my case she has been one of my strong pillars that has held me up through these many months.
In one of those times where I was doing all of the talking, she cried out to Him on my behalf. I will never forget the words she used, she said that like His son, on the cross, I was feeling forsaken. Our tears flowed as she spoke, she continued to cry out on my behalf pleading with Him to help my situation. I had all but given up, even with everything that I have walked through this was the darkest moment I had faced, but what I didn't have the faith to ask for she did.
But what I didn't know was that He had moved on behalf already that day, but it wasn't until I got home from that encounter that He found it fit for me to know about it. His timing is always perfect and it's usually not when we want it.
When I heard that He had moved, my heart lept with joy. I was so happy that I was actually shaking, I immediately sent her a message and her reply said, "My mother used to tell me that when you think you can't take anymore He moves." Truer words have never been spoken, I was at the end and He interviened. My problem was that I would have to wait another 8 days to see if the miracle that was started that day would come to completion.
So for 8 days I prayed fervently and yes of course I asked for a sign and 7 days later I got my sign. This time I didn't complain but was more confused about the conditions of the sign but with only a 24 hours until that time that I would know if I received my miracle I wouldn't let it get me down.
I didn't sleep that night, I was to filled with anticipation to sleep. I was anxious about my miracle, my life would change dramatically if my miracle occured. The next day I went to different church then normal, the song that they played spoke clearly to me that bright morning. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey. That's what I had been doing for the past 3 weeks, trusting that He would take care of me and my situation, I obeyed by fervently praying to Him, and when I couldn't pray He sent someone that could. I left knowing that no matter what would happen a few hours later that I had done my part and He would do His.
I arrived at the designated time and waited for my miracle. Gone was the worry, gone was the hopelessness, gone was the grief that I had been experiencing for the past 3 weeks. As I waited I watched other people's miracles happen, I caught a glimpse of mine but I knew I would have to wait until the very end to know if forgiveness would come.
Remember the sign I had asked for and remember that I said when I got it I was confused about it? Well that's because it wasn't actually the sign. At the end of the day I received my sign and forgiveness came.
I'd like to say that was the end of that story, the miracle happend and all was well but later the following week I opened my mouth again and though it was out of love and concern, it shot me in the foot. I had gotten what I had prayed for but was to impatient to wait for more. I was going to make things happen on my time not His. I couldn't believe it either when my words backfired, I had been so patient over the past 3 weeks what was I thinking?
Again I would like to blame someone for my actions, that seems to be the thing to do nowadays, blame everybody but yourself. But I know that I am the only one in control of my mouth, I own the words that come out of it. It was His plan to give us our free will. I believe it was in His plan for us to misuse it so that He could gently correct us and remind us lovingly that no matter what we do, He still loves us.
Have you ever met someone in a strange circumstance and they become very close to you? Several years ago I met someone in just that way. Her openness and boldness about an issue that we share drew me to her. Her empathy towards others and her extension of mercy to people keeps me intrigued. Her faithfulness, even through rough times, has helped to keep me on track when I thought all was lost. We have been through a lot together these past 15 months both sharing with each other our moments of tears and joy. There have been times that each of us have only been there to listen or to pray while the other torments about issues in their life, but at least in my case she has been one of my strong pillars that has held me up through these many months.
In one of those times where I was doing all of the talking, she cried out to Him on my behalf. I will never forget the words she used, she said that like His son, on the cross, I was feeling forsaken. Our tears flowed as she spoke, she continued to cry out on my behalf pleading with Him to help my situation. I had all but given up, even with everything that I have walked through this was the darkest moment I had faced, but what I didn't have the faith to ask for she did.
But what I didn't know was that He had moved on behalf already that day, but it wasn't until I got home from that encounter that He found it fit for me to know about it. His timing is always perfect and it's usually not when we want it.
When I heard that He had moved, my heart lept with joy. I was so happy that I was actually shaking, I immediately sent her a message and her reply said, "My mother used to tell me that when you think you can't take anymore He moves." Truer words have never been spoken, I was at the end and He interviened. My problem was that I would have to wait another 8 days to see if the miracle that was started that day would come to completion.
So for 8 days I prayed fervently and yes of course I asked for a sign and 7 days later I got my sign. This time I didn't complain but was more confused about the conditions of the sign but with only a 24 hours until that time that I would know if I received my miracle I wouldn't let it get me down.
I didn't sleep that night, I was to filled with anticipation to sleep. I was anxious about my miracle, my life would change dramatically if my miracle occured. The next day I went to different church then normal, the song that they played spoke clearly to me that bright morning. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey. That's what I had been doing for the past 3 weeks, trusting that He would take care of me and my situation, I obeyed by fervently praying to Him, and when I couldn't pray He sent someone that could. I left knowing that no matter what would happen a few hours later that I had done my part and He would do His.
I arrived at the designated time and waited for my miracle. Gone was the worry, gone was the hopelessness, gone was the grief that I had been experiencing for the past 3 weeks. As I waited I watched other people's miracles happen, I caught a glimpse of mine but I knew I would have to wait until the very end to know if forgiveness would come.
Remember the sign I had asked for and remember that I said when I got it I was confused about it? Well that's because it wasn't actually the sign. At the end of the day I received my sign and forgiveness came.
I'd like to say that was the end of that story, the miracle happend and all was well but later the following week I opened my mouth again and though it was out of love and concern, it shot me in the foot. I had gotten what I had prayed for but was to impatient to wait for more. I was going to make things happen on my time not His. I couldn't believe it either when my words backfired, I had been so patient over the past 3 weeks what was I thinking?
Again I would like to blame someone for my actions, that seems to be the thing to do nowadays, blame everybody but yourself. But I know that I am the only one in control of my mouth, I own the words that come out of it. It was His plan to give us our free will. I believe it was in His plan for us to misuse it so that He could gently correct us and remind us lovingly that no matter what we do, He still loves us.
Talking to myself --- UPDATE
When I got my sign the other morning and then argued about it with Him on my way to work, my response to His correction about my ungratefulness was, "fine, we will see what the day holds".
Well...I thought I was wining the argument for a moment because of something that didn't happen. However, unfortunately for me, it did happen, it just didn't happen as quickly as I would have hoped. Then a little while later, I got another sign and then another. A loving friend of mine often reminds me to "be careful what you pray for, you just might get it", this was one of those times. I appreciate His humor in my life, and this was His gracious way of shaking me to get me to open my eyes and see the big picture, because I now realize that I got what I prayed for, not just the sign but one of the specific things I had asked for.
What's the old saying...you can't see the forest because of the trees? Well what I had asked for is so common place that I totally missed it when I got it, so later when I had the opportunity to be silent and patient, I opened my big mouth. Now had I chosen my words carefully, this might have been an opportunity to have another one of my specifics answered, but instead I let my head take over and was sarcastic about an issue. Later as I lay there apologizing to Him for my mouth, I remembered how hard change can be especially when it's personal change.
Now I know it's only been a week since I have been practicing keeping my mouth shut but I'm starting to believe that the other old saying...you can't teach an old dog new tricks, is correct. I am also reminded of what I believe Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results."
Obviously I know that my previous actions of impatience and mouthiness don't get the results that I want, so why can't I learn to keep my mouth shut? I'd like to place the blame on someone or something and probably I would be right to blame society for my loud mouth, but if I have learned anything through the last 15 months I have learned that I am the one in control of my mouth and my emotions and I can't blame anyone else for my actions.
So I am a work in progress, I thank Him everyday for that and in fact I was reminded this morning of how His mercy is new each day. Even with my sarcasm and mouthiness from the night before, I got another sign this morning. I guess it bothers me that I am not catching on as quickly as I do with other things, but as long as He doesn't give up on me (and I know He won't), I won't give up either.
Well...I thought I was wining the argument for a moment because of something that didn't happen. However, unfortunately for me, it did happen, it just didn't happen as quickly as I would have hoped. Then a little while later, I got another sign and then another. A loving friend of mine often reminds me to "be careful what you pray for, you just might get it", this was one of those times. I appreciate His humor in my life, and this was His gracious way of shaking me to get me to open my eyes and see the big picture, because I now realize that I got what I prayed for, not just the sign but one of the specific things I had asked for.
What's the old saying...you can't see the forest because of the trees? Well what I had asked for is so common place that I totally missed it when I got it, so later when I had the opportunity to be silent and patient, I opened my big mouth. Now had I chosen my words carefully, this might have been an opportunity to have another one of my specifics answered, but instead I let my head take over and was sarcastic about an issue. Later as I lay there apologizing to Him for my mouth, I remembered how hard change can be especially when it's personal change.
Now I know it's only been a week since I have been practicing keeping my mouth shut but I'm starting to believe that the other old saying...you can't teach an old dog new tricks, is correct. I am also reminded of what I believe Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results."
Obviously I know that my previous actions of impatience and mouthiness don't get the results that I want, so why can't I learn to keep my mouth shut? I'd like to place the blame on someone or something and probably I would be right to blame society for my loud mouth, but if I have learned anything through the last 15 months I have learned that I am the one in control of my mouth and my emotions and I can't blame anyone else for my actions.
So I am a work in progress, I thank Him everyday for that and in fact I was reminded this morning of how His mercy is new each day. Even with my sarcasm and mouthiness from the night before, I got another sign this morning. I guess it bothers me that I am not catching on as quickly as I do with other things, but as long as He doesn't give up on me (and I know He won't), I won't give up either.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Let Him be praised
When I was younger I found that I was pretty good at carrying a tune. I sang solos, was given awards for my talent and eventually found myself leading Mass on Sundays. Leading Mass was great but something was missing.
I eventually left church and wandered for many years, but about 7 years ago I head a small voice calling me back. Knowing how important music was I made a deal, "Wherever I go, I must be moved by the music. Your move." Probably not the way you should talk to Him, but that was the deal. I needed to be moved immediately by the music or I would leave. I was tired of knowing about Him but never feeling Him move within me. So shortly thereafter I heard a commercial on the radio about a local church, not knowing anything about it I went the following Sunday.
This was no church I had ever been to, I was used to stain glass windows and organs and long rows of pews. This was like going to a concert. There was a full band, projection equipment and stage lighting. I was intrigued but not yet convinced. So I waited for the "show" to commence. I was not let down, immediately when the music started, tears came to my eyes. Yet again I had asked for a sign, and there it was.
I immersed myself in all things at this church, but as I look back I realize that my head got to big to come through the front doors. I knew I was a great singer, heck I had won awards for my talent, so I was going to show them how great I was, but funny things happen when you start depending on yourself and not on Him and I was about to soon learn that hard lesson.
One of the things that drew me to worship at this church was that people actually raised their hands and looked towards heaven as they sang. I found that, that was what was missing from singing at my old church. My whole body needed to be involved in worshiping Him. As I raised my hands, I felt as though I was submitting to His power and in lifting my hands I was just that much closer to Him to whom I was worshiping.
But when it came time for me to audition, I forgot Who I was auditioning for and I couldn't sing. Oh boy did I try, I acted like I had it together but inside I was falling apart. It was like I hadn't taken those 10 years of voice lessons, I simply could not keep on pitch. Though I walked out with my head held high thinking that even on my worse day I was better then the other people that auditioned. I even mentioned that I had preformed as a prestigious female lead character in college. What was I thinking?
But thankfully all was not lost, He would use this opportunity to teach me something. Instead of putting me on the front line like I had hoped, He put me in a room of elementary school kids. I thought to myself that this would be a breeze and that I could teach these kids a thing or two about worship, but again I was wrong and He taught me another lesson all together.
Children don't have any preconceived notions on how things are supposed to be done. As adults especially those of us that grew up in traditional churches, raising our hands just doesn't come naturally, but these kids didn't know that. They raised their hands because it was what they were taught, they had no idea that some people would laugh at them if they saw them raising their hands in other churches. I didn't realize how important that lesson would be until I left that church and started attend one that still has a lot of it's traditional roots.
After getting married my husband was asked to play on the worship team at another local church. After being humbled I had decided that maybe He didn't want me to lead worship but to just soak things up in the congregation. So I didn't search out the worship team, I stayed back knowing that He would put me where I needed to go. But a funny thing happened, I was asked to join the worship team. However I hadn't learned my lesson in humility quite yet, because I immediately boasted that I once was a worship leader. But luckily He let that one slide because the greatest lesson was to come.
I had been to a couple of Sunday services and noticed that no one raised their hands so I was nervous about doing it myself. I spoke to the worship leader and he assured me that no one would think any differently about me if I did, but I still wasn't sure. So slowly I gained confidence and now people stop me in the hallway and comment on how much they enjoy watching me worship. Humbly and with embarrassment I thank them and walk away. Why would I be embarrassed you ask? Because it's not for other people's enjoyment that I worship the way I do. I do it for Him. I do it because I have been called by Him to worship extravagantly.
Recently I was asked to lead worship for a retreat, I was extremely flattered that I was asked since no one in my church has actually heard me sing alone, but at the same time I was floored that He saw it fit that I hold that position, since I had long given up the idea of leading worship again. That night I prayed because in my mind leading worship is extremely important, it sets the mood of the day and of the weekend. It's worship that moves Him to come and dwell in that place, that's a lot of pressure.
But I was also praying for a word to give to the guests at the retreat, something that would put their minds at ease when they saw someone like me worshiping. The guests come from all different places and some would be shocked to see someone jumping up and down during worship.
So I prayed, number one for calmness and secondly for a word from Him, and it came. This time it was loud and clear and the words that I heard were for me as well as for the guests. He said, "You are not worshiping for them, you are worshiping for Me. Worship like there is nobody else there."
That word reminded me that it's not about my ability, it's about my heart. It speaks to me about a lot more then worship as well. It reminds me that He will take what I bring and make it good. It reminds me that though I am not worthy, when I raise my face to Him, He warms me with His love.
Will I still be embarrassed if someone comments on my worship, probably, but if I open their heart to extravagant worship then my embarrassment will have been worth it.
I eventually left church and wandered for many years, but about 7 years ago I head a small voice calling me back. Knowing how important music was I made a deal, "Wherever I go, I must be moved by the music. Your move." Probably not the way you should talk to Him, but that was the deal. I needed to be moved immediately by the music or I would leave. I was tired of knowing about Him but never feeling Him move within me. So shortly thereafter I heard a commercial on the radio about a local church, not knowing anything about it I went the following Sunday.
This was no church I had ever been to, I was used to stain glass windows and organs and long rows of pews. This was like going to a concert. There was a full band, projection equipment and stage lighting. I was intrigued but not yet convinced. So I waited for the "show" to commence. I was not let down, immediately when the music started, tears came to my eyes. Yet again I had asked for a sign, and there it was.
I immersed myself in all things at this church, but as I look back I realize that my head got to big to come through the front doors. I knew I was a great singer, heck I had won awards for my talent, so I was going to show them how great I was, but funny things happen when you start depending on yourself and not on Him and I was about to soon learn that hard lesson.
One of the things that drew me to worship at this church was that people actually raised their hands and looked towards heaven as they sang. I found that, that was what was missing from singing at my old church. My whole body needed to be involved in worshiping Him. As I raised my hands, I felt as though I was submitting to His power and in lifting my hands I was just that much closer to Him to whom I was worshiping.
But when it came time for me to audition, I forgot Who I was auditioning for and I couldn't sing. Oh boy did I try, I acted like I had it together but inside I was falling apart. It was like I hadn't taken those 10 years of voice lessons, I simply could not keep on pitch. Though I walked out with my head held high thinking that even on my worse day I was better then the other people that auditioned. I even mentioned that I had preformed as a prestigious female lead character in college. What was I thinking?
But thankfully all was not lost, He would use this opportunity to teach me something. Instead of putting me on the front line like I had hoped, He put me in a room of elementary school kids. I thought to myself that this would be a breeze and that I could teach these kids a thing or two about worship, but again I was wrong and He taught me another lesson all together.
Children don't have any preconceived notions on how things are supposed to be done. As adults especially those of us that grew up in traditional churches, raising our hands just doesn't come naturally, but these kids didn't know that. They raised their hands because it was what they were taught, they had no idea that some people would laugh at them if they saw them raising their hands in other churches. I didn't realize how important that lesson would be until I left that church and started attend one that still has a lot of it's traditional roots.
After getting married my husband was asked to play on the worship team at another local church. After being humbled I had decided that maybe He didn't want me to lead worship but to just soak things up in the congregation. So I didn't search out the worship team, I stayed back knowing that He would put me where I needed to go. But a funny thing happened, I was asked to join the worship team. However I hadn't learned my lesson in humility quite yet, because I immediately boasted that I once was a worship leader. But luckily He let that one slide because the greatest lesson was to come.
I had been to a couple of Sunday services and noticed that no one raised their hands so I was nervous about doing it myself. I spoke to the worship leader and he assured me that no one would think any differently about me if I did, but I still wasn't sure. So slowly I gained confidence and now people stop me in the hallway and comment on how much they enjoy watching me worship. Humbly and with embarrassment I thank them and walk away. Why would I be embarrassed you ask? Because it's not for other people's enjoyment that I worship the way I do. I do it for Him. I do it because I have been called by Him to worship extravagantly.
Recently I was asked to lead worship for a retreat, I was extremely flattered that I was asked since no one in my church has actually heard me sing alone, but at the same time I was floored that He saw it fit that I hold that position, since I had long given up the idea of leading worship again. That night I prayed because in my mind leading worship is extremely important, it sets the mood of the day and of the weekend. It's worship that moves Him to come and dwell in that place, that's a lot of pressure.
But I was also praying for a word to give to the guests at the retreat, something that would put their minds at ease when they saw someone like me worshiping. The guests come from all different places and some would be shocked to see someone jumping up and down during worship.
So I prayed, number one for calmness and secondly for a word from Him, and it came. This time it was loud and clear and the words that I heard were for me as well as for the guests. He said, "You are not worshiping for them, you are worshiping for Me. Worship like there is nobody else there."
That word reminded me that it's not about my ability, it's about my heart. It speaks to me about a lot more then worship as well. It reminds me that He will take what I bring and make it good. It reminds me that though I am not worthy, when I raise my face to Him, He warms me with His love.
Will I still be embarrassed if someone comments on my worship, probably, but if I open their heart to extravagant worship then my embarrassment will have been worth it.
Talking to myself
I love talking things through. Maybe that's the woman in me but I like to know that I have explored every angle on something before I make a decision. I like asking people's opinions but I tend to stick with my instincts, I'd like to believe that I have been on this earth long enough to make my own mind up. I'd also like to believe that my moral code is strong enough to help point my internal compass in the right direction. But it's in talking things through that I really learn about myself and what I stand for in life.
You might find this amusing, but I talk to myself when no body else is around. Strange you might think but really there is someone listening and He does speak to me and often I find myself enmeshed in conversations with Him while I am in my car driving here and there. In fact this morning on my long 45 minute commute I found myself talking out loud and unloading about something that is frustrating in my life right now.
Recently I was praying about something specific, I needed to know what to say to a family member about the way I was feeling and He told me to be silent about it. Now as you can imagine that was tough for me to swallow. A woman that finds herself talking to no one, is supposed to be quiet about something she feels so strongly about? I actually said to Him, "Are you kidding me, me a woman gifted with words is supposed to remain silent?" and loudly in the darkness I heard, "Yes". He reminded me of a scripture that I had recently read and then He said "You have depended on me before and I have answered, let go and let Me handle this." Still I wasn't sure that I could do it, so I prayed for strength to let go and strength to bite my lip when needed and sure enough the very next day I had to bite my lip and boy did it hurt!
So for the past several days He and I have been having frank discussions about my feelings and what I need to happen. He has been very patient with me and has lovingly rebuked my complaining. I am a girl that likes signs and I often ask for them so that I know that I am on the right path. So, last night I asked for a sign that something was actually happening and sure enough I got my sign, however I wasn't happy with it. He reminded me that the other times He had given me a sign good things happened and that patience was needed. Just now in fact He reminded me of a recent miracle that I had to wait silently and patiently for. Remembering the way I felt while I was waiting for that miracle, I said "Don't you remember what I went through waiting on that?" But of course He reminded me again gently that He took care of me then and He is taking care of me now.
I think my order to be silent and wait had come at a very interesting part of the year. During Advent we wait patiently for the coming of Him. However sometimes we are so busy preparing our homes that we forget how hard it is to be still and know that He is coming. We are celebrating His arrival, we should be preparing our hearts as part of our celebration. As I reflect I see this time of waiting silently as a way to prepare my heart for His coming and as I think about it in that way my heart softens to my needs and focuses more on He who has been there for me when I called.
Those that are close to me know that a lot has happened in my life over the last 15 months. At times I have felt like I was all alone and that He had forgotten me. I now see that He has been there gently guiding me down His path. It has not been easy, in fact there are times when I thought all was lost but redemption came. Sometimes it was hard to recognize. Sometimes it came in unexpected ways, but it always came. It always came.
It does sadden me that it took 15 months of strife to realize that He has always been there for me but if that is the only lesson that I have learned through this, then it was all worth it. I am thankful that even when I thought I was talking to myself, someOne was listening. I am thankful that I have learned to listen for what sometimes is that small voice whispering in my ear. I pray that I continue to listen to that small voice even with the busy season that lay ahead, I pray that you do too.
You might find this amusing, but I talk to myself when no body else is around. Strange you might think but really there is someone listening and He does speak to me and often I find myself enmeshed in conversations with Him while I am in my car driving here and there. In fact this morning on my long 45 minute commute I found myself talking out loud and unloading about something that is frustrating in my life right now.
Recently I was praying about something specific, I needed to know what to say to a family member about the way I was feeling and He told me to be silent about it. Now as you can imagine that was tough for me to swallow. A woman that finds herself talking to no one, is supposed to be quiet about something she feels so strongly about? I actually said to Him, "Are you kidding me, me a woman gifted with words is supposed to remain silent?" and loudly in the darkness I heard, "Yes". He reminded me of a scripture that I had recently read and then He said "You have depended on me before and I have answered, let go and let Me handle this." Still I wasn't sure that I could do it, so I prayed for strength to let go and strength to bite my lip when needed and sure enough the very next day I had to bite my lip and boy did it hurt!
So for the past several days He and I have been having frank discussions about my feelings and what I need to happen. He has been very patient with me and has lovingly rebuked my complaining. I am a girl that likes signs and I often ask for them so that I know that I am on the right path. So, last night I asked for a sign that something was actually happening and sure enough I got my sign, however I wasn't happy with it. He reminded me that the other times He had given me a sign good things happened and that patience was needed. Just now in fact He reminded me of a recent miracle that I had to wait silently and patiently for. Remembering the way I felt while I was waiting for that miracle, I said "Don't you remember what I went through waiting on that?" But of course He reminded me again gently that He took care of me then and He is taking care of me now.
I think my order to be silent and wait had come at a very interesting part of the year. During Advent we wait patiently for the coming of Him. However sometimes we are so busy preparing our homes that we forget how hard it is to be still and know that He is coming. We are celebrating His arrival, we should be preparing our hearts as part of our celebration. As I reflect I see this time of waiting silently as a way to prepare my heart for His coming and as I think about it in that way my heart softens to my needs and focuses more on He who has been there for me when I called.
Those that are close to me know that a lot has happened in my life over the last 15 months. At times I have felt like I was all alone and that He had forgotten me. I now see that He has been there gently guiding me down His path. It has not been easy, in fact there are times when I thought all was lost but redemption came. Sometimes it was hard to recognize. Sometimes it came in unexpected ways, but it always came. It always came.
It does sadden me that it took 15 months of strife to realize that He has always been there for me but if that is the only lesson that I have learned through this, then it was all worth it. I am thankful that even when I thought I was talking to myself, someOne was listening. I am thankful that I have learned to listen for what sometimes is that small voice whispering in my ear. I pray that I continue to listen to that small voice even with the busy season that lay ahead, I pray that you do too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)