In times of uncertainty what is your first move? Do you jump to blame or anger or do you look towards Him for guidance? I wish I could say that I always looked towards heaven first for help but I don't. I like like many people jump to blame and of course I almost never blame myself. I can't explain why things happen to people, whether it's bad luck, bad karma or evil forces but stuff does happen, bad stuff happens.
However, again it's only our response that we can control. Remember we are the only ones in charge of our emotions and we actually get to choose how we respond. I know that's tough to believe that we make a choice in that split second but it is a choice and it speaks to the condition of our heart when we make that choice.
At an early age I was trained as somewhat of a first responder, I knew what to do when tragedy struck. I was taught to remain calm under extreme circumstances so to most people when something happens to me or around me, I am unusually calm. But that is only on the outside, on the inside I am a ball of nerves, I am anxious and especially needy. But over the past 15 months I have felt moments of extreme peace during especially tough times in my life.
That kind of peace is the peace that passes all understanding. When the world is going crazy around you, when the light that you see at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming, at those moments in your life when that kind of peace comes over you, you know it's His work.
I am in one of those moments now, yet another bump in the road has happened in my life but yet He is saying to me that it is going to be ok. "I have taken care of you this far, I am certainly not going to stop now." But I am still anxious as to what might come next .
Most people would be asking, "Why does this always happen to me?" I've quit asking that question, mostly because I don't like the answer I receive but also because I have come to believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that because I can't believe that He who loves me so wants me to check out from this world and go on to be with Him before He is done with me here on the earth. He put me here for a reason and I must fulfill that purpose. That has been my mantra since my last birthday, it reminds me that He made me and that He has great plans for me and though I have tried, I am certainly not in a place to question His omnipotence.
You can't question His purpose for your life but you can go inward and look inside of you to see what needs to be cleaned out in order for His purposes to be fulfilled. I have been doing a lot of cleaning lately,and boy is that hard. Looking at your own sin is tough. It's easy to point out others sins but when you have to look within and point out your own faults that takes a great deal of strength. What I have found is that I'm not found of who I was. But as I reflect on His work in me, I have to smile a bit when I see the changes. I still have a long way to go but knowing things have changed gives me reason to continue to look inward and really explore those parts of my life that I have hidden from His view.
I wouldn't say that I have any regrets for how I have lived my life, but I have really made some bad choices. I lived for a long time, my way and not His and my path has strayed long from His. I've gotten closer at times but then veered off in another direction and wandered further away. I have tried to hide from Him but as He watched from afar He still loved me even when I wouldn't love Him.
Funny to say I learned more about Him through a silly kids video series then all my years in parochial school. My favorite video is the story of Jonah. Jonah knew Him, He spoke to him, he was His prophet, but Jonah wandered far from Him. He told him to do something and Jonah turned and ran. But like all of us, Johna's sin caught up to him and he was swallowed by a whale.
I would bet that as Jonah sat in the belly of the whale, he had the same questions we do. "Why me? I'm a good guy, this wasn't that big of a sin." "If Your so powerful, why didn't You stop me?" "Why would You do this to me?" But as we know there is no such thing as a small sin or a large sin, however no matter what our sin, we like Jonah can be redeemed. But like Jonah most of us have to get swallowed by a whale before we realize it and unfortunately if you are like me you may have to get swallowed more then once.
Yes I have been swallowed many times, over and over He has offered me His love and time after time I would blame Him for my problems and push Him away. I would blame Him for not making me perfectly, and for making me defective. Himself the loving Creator made a bad mistake when he made me, He couldn't be perfect if He made me the way I am. I've recently tried to blame Him for the crisis that struck our family 15 months ago, surely an all powerful Being wouldn't let this happen to me and my family but He did.
It's taken years for me to realize that I am wonderfully made and that I am perfect in His eyes. It hurts me to think that I once had such a low opinion of myself that I was blaming the One person that loved me unconditionally and saw through my faults and it took me many months to realize that our family crisis was part of a bigger picture. I have begun to believe that good comes out of the worst situations. Sometimes you see it immediately and other times it's like a movie, you have to wait until the end to see how it turns out.
I am patiently waiting for the end of my movie and even though it seems like a trilogy the end will eventually come and all of the strife and struggles will end in something good.
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