Where is He?

Have you ever felt like you were sitting motionless while to world spun past you?  Many weeks ago I felt just that way.  At least in my case that wasn't a good feeling, it was a feeling of helplessness and of worthlessness.  As I sat motionless all I could hear was silence, and the silence was deafening.  I called out for Him but I could not hear Him.  I felt like I had been forgotten, where was He when I needed Him so much.  My birthday was coming up and with the anniversary of our family's tragedy on the horizon I needed reassurance, I needed comfort, I needed peace. 

Have you ever met someone in a strange circumstance and they become very close to you?  Several years ago I met someone in just that way. Her openness and boldness about an issue that we share drew me to her. Her empathy towards others and her extension of mercy to people keeps me intrigued.  Her faithfulness, even through rough times, has helped to keep me on track when I thought all was lost. We have been through a lot together these past 15 months both sharing with each other our moments of tears and joy.  There have been times that each of us have only been there to listen or to pray while the other torments about issues in their life, but at least in my case she has been one of my strong pillars that has held me up through these many months.

In one of those times where I was doing all of the talking, she cried out to Him on my behalf.  I will never forget the words she used, she said that like His son, on the cross, I was feeling forsaken. Our tears flowed as she spoke, she continued to cry out on my behalf pleading with Him to help my situation.  I had all but given up, even with everything that I have walked through this was the darkest moment I had faced, but what I didn't have the faith to ask for she did. 

But what I didn't know was that He had moved on behalf already that day, but it wasn't until I got home from that encounter that He found it fit for me to know about it.  His timing is always perfect and it's usually not when we want it. 

When I heard that He had moved, my heart lept with joy.  I was so happy that I was actually shaking, I immediately sent her a message and her reply said, "My mother used to tell me that when you think you can't take anymore He moves."  Truer words have never been spoken, I was at the end and He interviened.  My problem was that I would have to wait another 8 days to see if the miracle that was started that day would come to completion. 

So for 8 days I prayed fervently and yes of course I asked for a sign and 7 days later I got my sign.  This time I didn't complain but was more confused about the conditions of the sign but with only a 24 hours until that time that I would know if I received my miracle I wouldn't let it get me down. 

I didn't sleep that night, I was to filled with anticipation to sleep.  I was anxious about my miracle, my life would change dramatically if my miracle occured. The next day I went to different church then normal, the song that they played spoke clearly to me that bright morning.  Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay; not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey. That's what I had been doing for the past 3 weeks, trusting that He would take care of me and my situation, I obeyed by fervently praying to Him, and when I couldn't pray He sent someone that could.  I left knowing that no matter what would happen a few hours later that I had done my part and He would do His.

I arrived at the designated time and waited for my miracle.  Gone was the worry, gone was the hopelessness, gone was the grief that I had been experiencing for the past 3 weeks.  As I waited I watched other people's miracles happen, I caught a glimpse of mine but I knew I would have to wait until the very end to know if forgiveness would come.

Remember the sign I had asked for and remember that I said when I got it I was confused about it?  Well that's because it wasn't actually the sign.  At the end of the day I received my sign and forgiveness came.

I'd like to say that was the end of that story, the miracle happend and all was well but later the following week I opened my mouth again and though it was out of love and concern, it shot me in the foot. I had gotten what I had prayed for but was to impatient to wait for more.  I was going to make things happen on my time not His.  I couldn't believe it either when my words backfired, I had been so patient over the past 3 weeks what was I thinking?

Again I would like to blame someone for my actions, that seems to be the thing to do nowadays, blame everybody but yourself.  But I know that I am the only one in control of my mouth, I own the words that come out of it.  It was His plan to give us our free will. I believe it was in His plan for us to misuse it so that He could gently correct us and remind us lovingly that no matter what we do, He still loves us.