I love talking things through. Maybe that's the woman in me but I like to know that I have explored every angle on something before I make a decision. I like asking people's opinions but I tend to stick with my instincts, I'd like to believe that I have been on this earth long enough to make my own mind up. I'd also like to believe that my moral code is strong enough to help point my internal compass in the right direction. But it's in talking things through that I really learn about myself and what I stand for in life.
You might find this amusing, but I talk to myself when no body else is around. Strange you might think but really there is someone listening and He does speak to me and often I find myself enmeshed in conversations with Him while I am in my car driving here and there. In fact this morning on my long 45 minute commute I found myself talking out loud and unloading about something that is frustrating in my life right now.
Recently I was praying about something specific, I needed to know what to say to a family member about the way I was feeling and He told me to be silent about it. Now as you can imagine that was tough for me to swallow. A woman that finds herself talking to no one, is supposed to be quiet about something she feels so strongly about? I actually said to Him, "Are you kidding me, me a woman gifted with words is supposed to remain silent?" and loudly in the darkness I heard, "Yes". He reminded me of a scripture that I had recently read and then He said "You have depended on me before and I have answered, let go and let Me handle this." Still I wasn't sure that I could do it, so I prayed for strength to let go and strength to bite my lip when needed and sure enough the very next day I had to bite my lip and boy did it hurt!
So for the past several days He and I have been having frank discussions about my feelings and what I need to happen. He has been very patient with me and has lovingly rebuked my complaining. I am a girl that likes signs and I often ask for them so that I know that I am on the right path. So, last night I asked for a sign that something was actually happening and sure enough I got my sign, however I wasn't happy with it. He reminded me that the other times He had given me a sign good things happened and that patience was needed. Just now in fact He reminded me of a recent miracle that I had to wait silently and patiently for. Remembering the way I felt while I was waiting for that miracle, I said "Don't you remember what I went through waiting on that?" But of course He reminded me again gently that He took care of me then and He is taking care of me now.
I think my order to be silent and wait had come at a very interesting part of the year. During Advent we wait patiently for the coming of Him. However sometimes we are so busy preparing our homes that we forget how hard it is to be still and know that He is coming. We are celebrating His arrival, we should be preparing our hearts as part of our celebration. As I reflect I see this time of waiting silently as a way to prepare my heart for His coming and as I think about it in that way my heart softens to my needs and focuses more on He who has been there for me when I called.
Those that are close to me know that a lot has happened in my life over the last 15 months. At times I have felt like I was all alone and that He had forgotten me. I now see that He has been there gently guiding me down His path. It has not been easy, in fact there are times when I thought all was lost but redemption came. Sometimes it was hard to recognize. Sometimes it came in unexpected ways, but it always came. It always came.
It does sadden me that it took 15 months of strife to realize that He has always been there for me but if that is the only lesson that I have learned through this, then it was all worth it. I am thankful that even when I thought I was talking to myself, someOne was listening. I am thankful that I have learned to listen for what sometimes is that small voice whispering in my ear. I pray that I continue to listen to that small voice even with the busy season that lay ahead, I pray that you do too.
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