Trust in Him

"The fact is, the shortest route isn't always the best route."

We don't like to hear things like that in our hurry-up world.  We want to get there as fast as possible.  We don't want to wait.  We are like children saying, "Are we there yet?", over and over again.  But isn't the journey just as important as the destination?

I remember a family vacation when we went to South Dakota via Colorado.  As we drove across Montana, I remember looking out the other windows I noticed that you could see for miles.  As a city girl I had never seen so much open space. Space not filled with buildings or houses, just natural beauty.  Funny how I don't remember much about the mountains of Colorado or Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota, but I remember the plains and their beauty.  If we would have flown, I would have never experienced that beauty and my memory might be filled with screaming babies or turbulence.  Montana is one state that we never actually visited, but whenever anyone mentions it and it's vastness, I can relate because of that long car ride. 

 "Second only to suffering, waiting may be the greatest teacher and trainer in godliness, maturity and genuine spirituality most of us ever encounter."

Suffering and waiting goes hand in hand and both are hard but waiting for the end of the suffering is the worse.  But what does that waiting teach us?  Sure we want our suffering to end quickly, we want to see the end as fast a possible, but what are we missing out on when we rush through the journey?

My journey has been long and it's still not over.  I know that there will be more suffering but I am learning that patience is necessary when you walk with Him because He doesn't like to rush through change.  You might be questioning His mercy, if suffering is prolonged but His mercy is never failing, so why would He seem to want to prolong our suffering?  Now not speaking as anyone but someone who is walking through an issue, I think it all comes down to our trust in Him. 

We always want clarity, we want to know where to go next or what to do next.  We want Him to show us the way, we want Him to give us a word that would open our eyes to our suffering but most of the time we don't get it and we loose faith. We forget that He is a loving and generous Creator and that He always has our best interests at heart, but turning over that trust is so hard.  Like I have said before, we can't even trust ourselves, how can we trust someone that we can't see? 

In the sermon I heard today there was a story of Mother Teresa, who says to a traveler who has asked for a prayer for clarity, that she won't pray for clarity because it's that clarity that is holding them back from complete trust.  The traveler says, but you always know what to do, you have clarity.  Mother Teresa answers, "I've never had clarity.  I've only ever had trust."  How powerful is that?  To totally turn things over to Him, to know that He will provide for you even during your suffering.

It's in that trust that we learn about ourselves as well as Him. We learn that we don't have to always know what is coming around the corner.  We learn that even when things are at their darkest, He is looking out for us.  We learn that we are helpless to change things, but He is not.  We learn the value of waiting for what we need and not rushing to get want we want. 

I've turned over a lot over the past 16 months, but have especially turned over a specific situation recently.  Believe me I am scared, and even after all I have walked through, I am still not as patient as I should be but I am resolved to wait this one out and see what happens.  Remember the journey is just as important as the destination.

His spirit

Though I grew up in a Christian household, I never really prayed until 7 years ago.  Sure we said a blessing at meals, and of course when I wanted something I would say a selfish prayer of want, but 7 years ago I realized that I could pray without sounding self-centered and  those prayers were more effective.

Now let me say that praying for yourself isn't wrong, but the way I was praying was. My prayers were always, if You give me this I will do this.  I was bargaining with Him and though sometimes it worked I never followed through with my end of the bargain and I ended up feeling guilty.  So when I joined a church centered on prayer, I really learned the importance of prayer in my life.

My spiritual mentor at that church, was the epitome of the verse that says to pray about everything.  I remember going to the grocery store with her one day and as we pulled into the parking lot, she started praying for a good parking spot.  I thought it was strange, but her prayer was answered almost immediately and we pulled into the first spot next to the door.

The church I grew up in had elaborate prayers for things and I was always scared to pray because I didn't know the right words to say, but she taught me that there is no magic recipe for prayer it was simply laying your concerns in front of Him.

I joined the prayer team at my new church and at 7am every Sunday morning and pray for the upcoming services, the Pastors, the music team, the visitors, etc.  I found it freeing to send petitions to Him on other peoples behalf.  I found the more I prayed the easier the words came and I remember one Sunday specifically when my entire prayer life changed.

I was praying and another person in the room, asked for the Holy Spirit to fill the room and our souls and I felt a warm presence fill my body.  Goosebumps rose on my arms and legs and I began speaking words that were not my own.

I had heard about the Holy Spirit growing up, but it seemed to be for the most holy of people and not accessible for the lowly like myself.  Then when I was 13 I was confirmed and during the ceremony that was our chance to have the Spirit indwell in us but nothing happened to me, nothing changed in me, so I thought I had lost my chance.

After receiving the Spirit I started stepping out on faith and joined another team that prayed for people that came forward for prayer during service.  People came that needed us to cry out to Him for healing and comfort and strength to walk through their circumstances.  I often cried with these people as my heart broke for them and their circumstances.  I also often felt helpless because I didn't know what to pray for, especially when the people that came for prayer were mighty Christan men and women.  People who's faith was unshakable, people whom I had never seen doubt His mercy or grace, stood in front of me questioning His faithfulness.  But I opened my mouth and the words came.  Many times I listened to myself repeat the same word over and over again, not knowing exactly why but knowing that the word was significant.

I witnessed miracles during prayer, during one Sunday I came for prayer about a physical issue and I was blessed with the miracle of healing.  Prayer is powerful, the Spirit is powerful.  Ask and you shall receive, He listens.

I wish I could say that my prayer life has always been on fire like it was during those few years I was at that church, but it wasn't.  Like all of us I had moments that I thought I could do it all on my own or I would question who He was and I forgot about prayer but gently He lead me back.  Now when things things get tough I lean on my prayers. I put my focus on Him instead of my situation and when I do that I realize that He is in control and that He loves me and He will take care of me and my needs.

Who do you turn to when life gets tough?  What about when times are good?  Are you like me and forget who is in charge of your life?  Where do you go when you feel unlovable or unloved?  Where is your focus in your life? When you feel like your life is spinning out of control, do you look up or down?  I pray that your focus is on things above and on the One that loves you unconditionally.

His better part

I've been feeling a lot like Martha, sister of Mary, this weekend. Busy, busy, busy.  Up from sun up to sundown.  Cooking, cleaning, baking bread, cleaning some more, chasing after children, a regular Proverbs 31 woman, and just like Martha something is missing.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it until this evening when a friend reminded me of a favorite song of mine.

JJ Heller sings a song called "What love really means", and in the song there are 3 people reaching out for love.  Each one has experienced pain in their lives and is searching for that perfect love.

The words of the chorus are...Who will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become.  Who will love me for me, cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means. 

When we get caught up in our daily lives and our daily to-do's, we start looking for affirmation from the people around us.  Unfortunately you don't always get the pat on the back you are looking for and if that continues for very long it can really wear on you.  We've all seen the news reports about workers that go on rampages and kill their bosses and their co-workers. Not even our children or spouse can give us all the love we feel we may need.  Lack of love from people around us, leaves us feeling worthless and unworthy.

When asked in Bible study today what inanimate object I most associate with, I answered my bread machine during the kneading cycle.  Why, because I feel like I am being pushed and pulled and spun around and nobody's lifting the lid to see if I need more flour so I am not so sticky. Do you ever feel like that?  Do you ever feel like no one is paying attention to what you need, while you are paying attention to everybody else's needs?

Martha felt that way, while her sister sat in the other room with the living Lord, Martha watched from the kitchen and began to get angry and resentful.  Nobody was patting her on the back as she made arrangements to feed more then a dozen people that day in Bethany.  And while she slaved away in the kitchen, her sister Mary ignored her many stares.

I love Jesus' answer to Martha when she asked Him to get Mary into the kitchen.  He says that "Mary has chosen the better part." He didn't say that Martha was wrong for cooking and cleaning and preparing the feast, but that there was a part of her activities that she was missing out on. 

When we forget that we are here doing His will, we often forget about putting Him first.  He put us where we are, whether it's in our job or in our family or in another relationship and we must remember that we need to look to Him for our comfort and love because people fail us, but He never will.

I love the last chorus of "What love really means", the inmate calls out to Him and He answers with this line...I will love you for you.  Not for what you have done or what you will be come.  I will love you for you, I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

There are times that we will be busy and times that we are not, but there should always be time to refill our hearts in His presence.  He is always waiting for us just to take a moment and rest in Him and relax in His love.  People can't always fulfill our expectations and our needs, but the one in heaven always can, we just need to trust. 

In His hands, Part 2

To be reminded about the start of this post, click here

Because I had taken care of everyone but myself I came down with pneumonia.  My body was in chaos because of my emotions and due to the stress my simple cold turned into something nasty.  I was still needing to be the first responder and deal with the emergency at hand but my body revolted.  That was Tuesday, the retreat started in two days.  I was hesitant to go to the Doctor because I knew that pneumonia could put you in the hospital but when I started gasping for breath I knew I couldn't wait any longer.  So on Wednesday I went to the Doctor and came home with a sore behind and an inhaler. While I was at the Doctor I posted on Facebook for prayers because nothing was going to stop me from going to this retreat.  I had to get away from the chaos of my life.  I had to go somewhere to be surrounded by people who would love on me.  The prayers went up immediately and the next day due to the miracle of medicine and the miracle of prayers I was ready for my weekend.

I like the unexpected, so when I got to the retreat center I was a little nervous about the weekend but not as much as the other ladies that were there.  You go on this retreat not knowing what to expect, you hear a few things from people but you really never know what is coming next.  I know there is a reason for this, not knowing allows you to be open to the next experience and there is no time to hesitate or think twice, you just go with the flow. But they also take away your watches and cell phones.  My cell phone is my lifeline, you can text me, call me, IM me, Facebook me or email me and because I have a smartphone I will know you need me in a matter of moments, so the thought of not having my phone was tough but as I found out as we drove closer and closer to Pinecrest, there is no service for smartphones in that neck of the woods so it helped to ease the pain of not being able to use it.  Later I realized that it was a blessing that it didn't work, but we will talk about that later.

Without saying to much, it was a weekend of great release.  I cried and cried and cried.  I cried so much during one evening that Pastor Chris brought me water because he was afraid I would dehydrate myself.  I cried good tears, I cried painful tears.  I cried when I couldn't look at the picture in the front of the chapel because of my shame.  I cried when I realized that I wasn't alone and that there were many people around me that loved me and would help carry me through this crisis.  I cried when I was reminded of His grace and His love for me and I cried when I realized that I could leave my crisis on the altar and He would take it from there.

That many tears was unexpected but I walked away from that weekend with a great peace in my heart.  A peace that I have only felt a few times in my life and a peace that I go back to when I get all caught up in recovering from this crisis.  A peace that I felt when I prayed for a miracle in my marriage and a peace that I feel now even though I am worried about tomorrow.   It was a good beginning to a long walk.

But I wish I could say that I came home and everything had changed, however on the way home, I checked my voice mail and I had a message that quickly reminded me that the crisis was still looming.  While my other friends were at home still on the mountain top, I was pushed down the mountain by an avalanche and I spent my 3rd day in a place that I never thought I would step foot and when I left with an empty seat that peace that I had felt disappeared quickly and was replaced by anger and hurt.  

Isn't it funny how one day we can be full of His joy and the next forget He is even there? 

This anger and hurt turned me into someone I didn't know.  Sure I faked it well when I was around other people but to people who were closest to me they knew I was hurting.  I even started holding grudges against people that loved me and wanted to help me.  I had forgotten that I put my crisis in His hands.  I had forgotten that I could lean on Him instead of blaming other people. He had made a spot for me at the Banquet but instead of dwelling in His peace, I was wandering in the desert.

Now granted I still had my moments with Him, but the weight of the crisis weighed heavy on me.  I talked and He listened.  I listened and He spoke.  He lead, I followed and He lead me back on the perfect Sunday.

He abides with us

We sang my theme song today in Church..."Trust and Obey".  I know that you read my post Where is He? and you will remember that I first heard this song at the beginning of one of the hardest weeks of my life. I was falling apart, all I could do was trust that He would see me through and in the end He would prevail.  So when I heard that we were singing it this weekend I started to reflect on what the song meant to me.

The tag of the song says, "Lord I love you, please help me to trust and obey." Trust is hard, especially as you get older.  As you age you realized that you can't just trust anyone and sometimes you can't even trust those that you love.  I had a friend tell me today that she is not even sure that she trusts herself about some things and if you can't trust your own feelings, how can you trust in someone you can't see? Trust is all about faith and faith is taking that step off the cliff and knowing that He will give you wings and boy is that step a doozie!

As you remember from my previous post, when I thought all was lost, He had already moved on my behalf and really looking back I realize now that this song played soon after He had moved.  It was my sign of reassurance, sadly I missed it until now but there it was.  I had spent many nights on my knees praying and here He was reminding me that He was on my side, working behind the scenes. That was the beginning of a week of total trust and amazement.  Funny how that week ended with this song as well, it was another reminder that He is always there, whether or not we feel like He is.

As I think about that week and this song, tears stream from my eyes.  Love, especially to a woman, is very powerful and as I reflect I feel the warmth of His love around me.  I grew up believing in Him but never needing Him and though my faith has grown over the years my faith grew exponentially that week and continues to grow even now. 

You never know how much you need something until you think it's gone and I was sure that He had left me that Sunday.  Left me to face my sin by myself.  Left me to walk in the darkness alone and as I felt the darkness engulf me He reached down and offered me His hand.  I was in the darkness long enough to leap for joy when I saw the light and I keep looking towards that light for guidance.

The last line of the last verse is, "Never fear, trust and obey." When you do take that step of faith and put total trust in Him it scares you to death.  But what I know is that He will give you wings, you might get a few bumps and bruises on the way down but those will be your reminders when things are going well.  You can look at those bruises and remember where you came from and know that you are headed in the right direction.  You don't have to be afraid, you don't have to be alone, He is always with you.      

His opportuinities

Our Pastor spoke about opportunities on Sunday and one thing that he said has stuck with me since.  I knew what he said was true before he said it, but I guess hearing it from someone else made it ring even more true.  During the sermon he said that His opportunities never come wrapped up with a pretty bow, he said that opportunities rarely ever come with an instruction manual as well.  I have learned many things in the past year and certainly have learned that opportunities come from out of the ordinary places as well. 

Since I have been speaking about relationships in my past couple posts, I wanted to continue to speak to those struggling in their relationships as it applies to opportunities. Relationships have many opportunities in them and thinking of those opportunities as His opportunities changes the way you think about your mate. 

I was personally struck by the sermon because I was mad at my husband that morning.  I had said something that any woman would understand and because he isn't a woman, he didn't understand and he made a crack at me about it.  I can say all this calmly now because I am looking back on it, but at the time I was very upset. I forgot what I had said in my last post about looking on my husband with the eyes of Him and fell right into Satan's hands and started doubting and sinking into disappointment. 

I knew what I had said made sense, I even asked some of my friends, they knew what I was talking about, why didn't he?  Why would he come down on me for something that he didn't understand.  Why wouldn't he simply ask me to explain myself if he didn't get it when I said it?  Then more questions came..Why doesn't he see things my way more often?  Why am I always the bad guy?  Why can't he admit that he is wrong more often?  Ah, disappointment how you creep into situations so unexpectedly. 

So though I didn't want to, I went onto church and gave my husband the cold shoulder.  I was even selfish and prayed that he went and sat somewhere else during the sermon, like he sometimes does.  But because He knows better, he sat down right next to me but even then I tried to sit as far as I could away from him even though there was someone sitting on the other side of me.  I was pouting and wanted to stay that way.  I thought I deserved to be that way, because I was sure that I was in the right about this.

Then the sermon started and I felt this tap on my shoulder and He spoke to me.  I heard, "this is your opportunity to love him even when you feel he is unlovable, let him know that you love him still."  So still pouting I moved a little closer, still not touching him but closer.  Again I heard the voice, "you can do better then that."  So this time I moved closer and actually touched him, but I was still pouting.  The voice came louder this time, "this is your opportunity, love him the way you would want to be loved." That did and still does bring a tear to my eye.  I had been praying for him to love me the way I needed to be loved but in that instant I wasn't loving him the way I would want him to love me, so I reached out and laid my hand on his leg and the bitterness melted away. 

The golden rule is for more then just strangers or people that we hardly know, I believe that it is especially important in marriages.  We forget that our mates are people too and we need to treat them the way we would want to be treated.  But I think what we forget more often is that we should love our mates because we have been commanded to by Him and the verses that say when we do unto those that are the least, we are doing unto Him, speaks to why it is important to remember that we are not treating our spouses well to gain their love or acceptance but we are doing those things because it is important to Him and we are follow His commands. 

The hard part comes when our mates don't respond in the ways that we think they should, or they forget about the golden rule as well.  I heard the best way to think of the end prize this way, "when you look at your spouse, look past them and see Him standing there."  If you look past your mates issues and see Him then you will have your eyes on the prize.  Remember your spouse is still human with free will, you can't control them but you can control yourself.  Choose to keep your eyes on the prize.  Love them the way He would want you too.  Keep your focus on Him and He will bring you what you need and desire.  Opportunities to love your spouse are all around, keep your eyes open and you will be amazed at what you will see.