His words

I've seen the sign but I still don't know what it means...more then one time this weekend I encountered something that had to do with my theme song, unfortunately it still hasn't been revealed to me what it means and boy is that frustrating.

We all know that patience is a virtue but it's not one I have a good handle on, so all this waiting is killing me.  I'm not laying awake wondering or anything but each time the sign is repeated I become more and more interested in what it means.  Hearing it one time is one thing, but repeatedly is an entirely different ballgame.  Seriously it was everywhere...on Facebook, on the radio, at church.  Then today my "Message from God" said..."that the answers are within you. You're chasing in the wrong field. What you are looking for is inside of you, not 'out there'. Take a few days off to become quiet and look within, and you will find it."  Funny that this weekend is the Banquet and I will be taking 72 hours to unplug and look inward.  His Spirit is up to something in my life....but what is it?

What am I looking for?  What am I believing for? What am I doing that might be wrong or not on the path that He wants me on?  Am I going to have to wait the entire rest of the week to find out?  If so I am definitely going to need 72 hours to unplug and unwind from all of the constant wondering about what the signs mean.

It really is thought provoking though, wondering about my life and His plan for it.  My life has been full of ups and downs.  I pray that I am on the upward side right now, but these signs have me wondering if I am where I am supposed to be.  The biggest question on my mind is how and when it will all be reveled. 

Skip ahead a few hours since I wrote the beginning of this post...now after having time to reflect on my Bible Study lesson for the week.  There are several quotes to be mentioned, but this is the first one I came across when reading:

Hudson Taylor said, "We will all have trials.  The questions is not when the pressure will come, but where the pressure will lie.  Will it come between us and the Lord? Or will it press us ever closer to His breast?"

The next quote says this:

"As I look back at my life, I could see a series of mountaintop experiences where the rain had fallen rich and deep, but there were quite a few dry valleys as well.  Famine times when I was so dry and so low emotionally that I barely felt alive.  I had the classic sanguine personality when it came to my walk with God.  Big, big, highs.  Big, big, lows.  And now, more recently, I felt lost in a barren, featureless desert."

 The line about the desert really struck me, but the next part really stuck with me:

"Tear down the mountaintops if you have to, Lord. I cried one night.  But fill in the valleys! Bring a steadfastness to my life so I can walk faithfully in the good times as well as the bad.  I want to know you!! I want to be filled with you - and stay filled."

As I reflected on those few lines I started to wonder if I had put Him in a box, giving Him human qualities.  Qualities that others around me had that weren't so great.  I think we all do that, a little.  We inflict human qualities on Him, qualities He doesn't deserve.

People abandon, He doesn't.  People love conditionally, He doesn't.  People let us down, He doesn't.  People lose sight of hope, He doesn't.  People can't preform miracles, but He can.  People can't change hearts, but He can.  Had I forgotten that He was bigger then I was? Had I forgotten that He is able to do all things?  When my faith wavers do the qualities that I reflect on Him change as well?

Is that what I am to be reflecting on this weekend? Or is it the power in me to change my circumstances that I am to be reflecting on?  I'm talking about the power of His Spirit within me, the power that He bestows on us.  The power that we use to conquer our fears, the power that we must use when we think we are at our lowest.  The power within us to help change our own being and hopefully the world.

Whatever it is, I hope that I find out what it is sooner then later.  I have heard Him speak loudly, but now since He is carrying me, He is only speaking in that still small voice and I must get away from the distractions to be able to hear what it is He is saying.  I pray that I can turn off all the noise inside of my head this weekend so I can hear what He has to say to me.

His works

So I've been thinking about my theme song and the significance of us singing it this coming Sunday and then today someone read me John 9:1-3.

It says this...

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

 ¹ As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ² His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”    ³ “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

There are a lot of questions when things don't go your way, but when things consistently go wrong, your questions get harder to answer.  The most common question is, "What have I done to deserve this?".  My favorite question is similar, "What sin have I committed to cause this? Maybe it's my belief in Karma that makes me ask that question, but I am a big believer in "What goes around, comes around."  

I'm sure the blind man had asked himself that question many times, especially since he was probably an indigent and a beggar.  "What did I do to deserve this fate?"  "What must I atone for?" But those aren't the only questions we ask.  "Why has He turned His back on me?"  "Why don't I feel Him near?"


In Trust and Obey, one of the verses that I have talked about before says this:

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But our toil He doth richly repay. I think that is my most favorite line from the song.  Our toil He doth richly repay.  The scripture above says basically the same thing, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."  Our hardships, "our toil", gets used by Him in ways that we might never understand.  


If you read further on in John, you will see that the blind man made whole, went back to his village and spread the news about his healing and about the Man that had healed him.  The story ends there but I imagine that many more people believed after they saw this man who had been made whole by the Son.  The same thing happens when people we know see us struggle and see how we devote ourselves to prayer to get us through the other side, they start to understand our beliefs and they start to believe.  


I think that's a tall order for us, flawed humans.  Even in our struggles, we have to keep our eyes on Him, even when we question Him and the path that He has us on.  Believe me I know how hard it is to do that.  If you follow me you know how very difficult it is for me to keep my head up and looking towards heaven, when things get tough.  But I think that is what Trust and Obey is about for me this Sunday.

Things are tough right now and things look like they are going to get tougher but my "toil", will be richly repaid.  Yesterday, I couldn't help to look up towards heaven.  The sun was out and He was smiling down on me.  Today however the clouds have moved in and today I find it harder to look up, but the clouds will eventually clear and the sun will come out once again and with the sun will be reminded once again that He is watching us.  


But in the meantime, remember that your words and actions are what people, who question your faith, see and hear.  Show those around you that no matter where you are in your walk that your eyes are looking towards heaven.  Let them know that even when it's cloudy, even when we doubt or question, we still believe in His power. 
   

In His name

We are singing my theme song at Church this coming Sunday (in case you want to listen, here is the classic version and the contemporary version) and this Sunday has a significance with the song, so I just had to write about it or I would never be able to focus on studying for my test, so here goes...

You know I am all about signs, always asking for them and always looking for them, so singing Trust and Obey next Sunday speaks to me.  When I saw the set list I immediately called a friend of mine to ask what it ment, and she in her wisdom wouldn't give me an answer but she did say, "what does it mean to you?"

So what does it mean to me?  I'm not exactly sure, so bear with me as I talk out loud...

The first verse says: 

When we walk with the Lord
  In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way;
  While we do His good will,
  He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey. 

I'd like to that I walk with Him on a daily basis, but like we talked about today in Sunday School we all doubt from time to time and as you know I certainly have had my moments of doubt.  I'd like to think I have seen His glory in my life.  I've certainly seen my share of miracles and seen Him pour out His mercies.  I hope that I spread His good will and share His love with others around me and like my post from the other day, I certainly know that He is abiding with me.

The second verse says this:

Not a shadow can rise,
  Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
  Not a doubt or a fear,
  Not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

 This verse is a little tougher for me...Am I always looking for His goodness? Am I always looking for that rainbow after the storm?

Interesting, let's talk about that a little more...You know about my storms, you might not know the details but you certainly know that there have been several, but do I always talk about where His light shines and clears the clouds?  I think I have a little but probably not as much as I should, but I think singing this song next Sunday is one of those moments when His light will be shining into my storm.  However, I don't know exactly where, when or how and that is perplexing. 

What does it mean?  Could I have been wrong about some of the things that I have said about what I have been hearing or not hearing?  I tend to shoot from the hip, could my instincts have been wrong?  Very few times my instincts have been wrong but believe me they have failed me and failed me miserably.  But what if it doesn't have anything to do with that particular storm and it has all to do with where I am at and His will for my life?  What if I was exactly right in my last post and this song is about victory for where I am in my life at this point?  I have absolutely no idea, but of course time will tell.

Ok, so let's get back to where I am...in the desert/wilderness.  Hearing this song in the desert stirs up all kinds of emotions that I thought I had conquered or at least put in a box labeled do not open, especially since I don't know what it means, but I do know that it has significance.  Speaking of time, you have LOTS of time in the desert, nothing but time and the longer you spend in the desert the more you worry about the time you have on your hands.  I've been trying to keep myself busy while in the desert but now I have to worry about this sign and what it means and I simply don't have enough time to worry about this right now.  That is why I am blogging about it now, so I can move on for now because I will simply have to wait to know what it means.  It has a time and date stamp, I simply must wait but in the meantime let's pray...

Dearest Heavenly Father,

While He was alive Your Son performed many signs and miracles for the people so that they would know that He was the Messiah.  So we naturally ask for signs and miracles because we know that You are capable of making changes in our lives, but like the people of Your Son's time, we don't always know what the sign means. We, like the people of Judea are looking through colored lenses, we are looking for something specific and when it doesn't come in the form we are expecting we often become confused or angry. 

Help me to understand what this sign means and help me to know if it is a sign at all or just a simple coincidence.  Help me not to spend to much time worrying about the sign and it's significance.  Remind me that Your will will be done and that I can't do anything to make it happen any faster and especially remind me that I don't need to pick up what is already Yours.  I've turned my hands up to You.  You have hold of me and I don't need to help You do anything.  You are the Author and Finisher and Your will will be done, in my life and in the lives of people that surround me. 

Remind me that I have things to do and that I need to focus on what I have started because it is Your will for my life.  You put me on this path and You will see me through, remind me to keep my eyes focused on You and the task at hand.  I will Trust and Obey, "Lord, I love You.  Please help me to trust and obey."

In Your Son's great and powerful name...Amen

His healing

The other day I posted "His Power".  In it I mentioned that I was a lot like the synagogue leader who pleaded with the Son for the healing of his daughter.  I'm sure we all plead with Him from time to time but over the last few months I have gotten into a habit of pleading during my prayer time.

Looking back I realize that I was a lot like my kids when they want something from me.  They use every tactic, even promising me the moon if I give them what they want.  In fact the other day my daughter wanted to watch a little more TV. In our house TV is a luxury not a staple, and I have been being very lenient with their television watching lately while I have been studying but the other day she was glued to the TV so much that she couldn't get her regular chores done.  So when I told her to turn it off, she came and begged me to let her watch the last few minutes of the show.  She said things like, "it's only a few more minutes".  "I promise I can get my chores done before bedtime." Or my favorite, "If you let me watch the last few minutes, I promise I will do extra chores tomorrow." When I didn't give in, she stomped off and muttered under her breath.

I think we are all like her some of the times, we beg and plead and when we don't get what we want, we stomp off and mutter under our breath how unfair it is that we are not getting what we want.  We do that when we don't get what we want from Him as well.  Granted I haven't stomped off and pouted but I do agree my pleading has gotten out of hand. 

The night that I spoke of in His Power, when I was reflecting on the scripture, I heard Him speak to me about my pleading.   That word "plead" stuck out in the scripture and then I heard, "Stop pleading, I have heard your cries, healing has already begun."  Now though I don't know exactly what that means, I have made it my Lenten resolution not to plead during prayers and man it's been tough.

Habits are hard to break, especially long term ones.  I find myself praying, "Here I am Lord, explain to me what all this means.  Help me to see where healing has begun, help me to appreciate Your work in my life." But even that said night after night is almost like pleading, granted I'm not promising something I won't be able to follow through on and I'm not saying pretty please with sugar on top, but it is the same prayer over and over again.

Now, that is not the only thing I pray about each night, but it is the focus of my prayers. Sometimes I say, "let me have Your eyes" or of course I ask for a tangible sign to point me in the direction of the healing, so I guess I am getting better but changing the way you have been praying is tough.

I find it funny that I say that because the church I grew up in had prayers that you memorized and when I left that church I promised myself that I wouldn't go back to that way of praying, but again old habits die hard and I have found myself repeating the same general prayer each night, but here's the thing He is not answering.  He continues to be quiet and that speaks louder then words, at least to me it does.

I believe He is not answering because I already know the answer and though it's not the answer that I wanted, it's the answer that I need to hear.  He's not answering because it's my healing that has begun, and as I type tears are streaming down my face because I know that my healing from the last several years is more important then the other healings I have been begging and pleading for.

I am still in the wilderness, but like I mentioned the other day He's there with me and the fact that He is not answering, just means that He is carrying me.

I'm used to back and forth chatter with Him, I am not used to silence.  I know that might sound funny to some people but I recognize the small voice and I look for times to be silent to make sure I hear it, so this silence is deafening, but the silence is speaking to me as well.

Now I believe that He is all powerful and you can't wear Him out, but I also believe that when He needs to do something big, He puts His head down and gets to work.  And that is what is happening with me, He has His head down and is hard at work on me.  I know that most of us can relate to that in some way, when we need to focus or concentrate hard on something, we tune others out and point our heads in the direction we need to go and we do what we need to do.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't think He has tuned me out but I do think that all of my questions will be answered eventually and that patience is necessary in obtaining those answers.  Again it all goes back to my theme song, "Trust and Obey".    

But lately I have been listening to "Blessings" by Laura Story.  My favorite verse is this one:

                  We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear,

     And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

     We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love,

    As if every promise from Your word is not enough

    All the while, You hear such desperate plea, but long that we’d have faith to believe

That verse speaks to me because that has been my prayer for the past several nights and in the beginning when I didn't hear His voice, I was angry, I did doubt but then I remembered that He never gives up on us and there is always a reason when He isn't speaking.

So my prayer tonight will be this, "Thank You for your healing.  Thank You that in times of trouble You carry me.  Thank You that You are working in me even when I can't feel Your presence and thank You that You have never given up on me, even when I had given up on myself."

Will your prayers change tonight?

He carries you

The Israelites wandered in the wilderness while He waiting for an entire generation to die because of their disobedience. Most scholars say that they wandered for about 40 years and while they wandered a new generation was born and grew as they waited for their chance to enter the Promise Land.  The Israelites were not used to living in the wilderness and while they wandered they faced many dangers, including lack of water and starvation.

I love the out of doors, there is no place I would rather be then in a tent in the woods with a fire roaring away, but there are things to be aware of when you are in the woods.  My biggest fear when camping is bears.  Normally campers and bears get a long pretty well, but occasionally you get a rogue bear that has been fed human food and they become a nuisance.  Those bears can sometimes come into your camp and mistake you for your dinner leftovers.  I'm not a big fan of being mistakenly eaten, so when in bear country I know how to take precautions and keep my food downwind of my tent, but I still sleep with one eye open.

People have their own personal wildernesses that they travel through from time to time and there are plenty of dangers there as well and just like bears if you don't take precautions you might get eaten. Self-doubt, self-loathing and self-pity run rampant in personal wildernesses and when not put in check they will eat you from the inside out.

To be honest I started this post many weeks ago and got stuck but today someone reminded me that good things have happened in the desert, in fact He often shows up while you are there.  So instead of finishing this the way I intended I am going to take a totally different path. So here goes...

Here's are several moments in the Word that mention the wilderness and Him or His messengers:

1Samuel 23:14  David stayed in the wilderness strongholds and in the hills of the Desert of Ziph. Day after day Saul searched for him, but He did not give David into his hands. 

1Kings 19:3-6  Elijah was afraid^[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, ⁴ while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” ⁵ Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
   All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” ⁶ He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

Matthew 3:3 This is he (speaking of John the Baptist) who was spoken of through the prophet Isaiah: “A voice of one calling in the wilderness, ‘Prepare the way for Him, make straight paths for him.

Matthew 4:8-11 (Jesus is tempted in the desert)  Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹ “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” ¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’^[e]” ¹¹ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness being tempted by the Devil.  During that time He fasted and the tricky Devil even tempted Him with food at one point to see if he could break Him, but His faith withstood the temptation and then His angels came.  John the Baptist was the voice calling from the desert that the Prophets had for told, his faith in the One Unseen was so great that he baptized people in the Jordan river in His name, he was the precursor to the coming of the Son. Elijah went into the desert to die, in fact he asked Him to take his life and in response He sent His angels.

Until today, I was focused on the wilderness or desert as a punishment like the wilderness that the Israelites were in but now that I have read these scriptures but now I see it as a place for healing and new beginnings.

So what do you do when in the wilderness? Well like I said previously you have to look out for bears and other wild animals that might mistake you for dinner, bears like self-doubt, self-loathing or self-pity.  However luckily like Elijah, He is watching out for us and even when we are being eaten, He will send His angels to rescue us but we still have to keep on our toes and take precautions.  Allowing a wild animal into your camp is never a good idea so we need to know how to keep them at bay.

The best way to keep bears from entering your tent is to not allow for that temptation, don't bring food in your tent and tie your leftovers high in a tree downwind from your campsite. Also always camp with a friend, a second set of eyes and ears is always helpful when in bear country and always bring a trail guide with you.  Often times bears stay away from people that are camping near a well used trail but of course the smart bears know that where people are so is food so that is not always the case but every little precaution helps, plus sometimes if we wander far from a marked trail we might accidentally wander onto a bear trail and that will always lead to trouble.  Even with all the food precautions if you camp near a bear trail you will certainly have an unwelcome visitor.

So what does that mean for all you that don't camp, well...take care of yourself, don't allow the temptation of self-doubt, self-loathing and self-pity to creep into your life.  Remember when in the wilderness you must think about yourself first, it's like when you fly and the flight attendant says to put your mask on first.  You can't be of use to anyone else if you don't put your mask on first.

Search out help, find a friend or buddy that can walk with you.  It's amazing what an extra pair of eyes can do.  They can see the bears creeping in before you do and they can normally warn you if you get to far off the trail. Then, bring and read your map.  Read it constantly, go to it for direction and use it when looking for discernment about something.  My road map is my bible and my prayer life, if I feel self-loathing creeping in I go to the source that reminds me that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  If I feel self-doubt creeping in I go to His instruction manual and I look for direction.  If I feel self-pity creeping up on me, I cry out to the One that made me to remind me that He never gives up on me, no matter what I have done or what I might do, He loves me unconditionally.  And if I find myself camped on a bear trail and the bears are closing in, I call on all of my resources to help get me out of danger.

But whenever you are in the wilderness remember that He is there with you.  I am reminded of the Footprints story when I think of the wilderness.  Most of the time there are two sets of footprints, yours and His.  And other times there is just one, but don't lose hope those are the moments that He is carrying you.

His power

Tonight at a special service this scripture was read:

Mark 5:21When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. 22Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet 23and pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” 24So Jesus went with him.

A large crowd followed and pressed around him. 25And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 26She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” 29Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

It was read 4 different times and we were told to reflect on the words and listen to what He had to say to us as it was read. Here's what I heard:

The first thing I noticed was that the synagogue ruler "pleaded earnestly" with Him and without a word He got up and went to see his daughter.  Secondly the woman who had "suffered a great deal" was immediately healed when she touched His cloak and "she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering."

These two people had amazing faith, but the woman especially.  Blood was a big issue for the Jews and anyone bleeding would be deemed unclean and unfit to be touched, especially by a holy man. So asking for a healing from the Holiest of Holies was out of the question in her condition but her faith was so strong that she knew that just touching, what some translations say as the fringe of His garment would be all she would need for complete healing. 

This woman had been to many doctors and some commentaries say that she was told she was incurable.  She had been suffering for 12 years, nothing helped.  Doctor after doctor told her there was nothing they could do to help her.  She had spent all of her money, she was an outcast in her community and the condition was getting worse as the days past, but then along came the Son.  She probably had heard about His miracles from other people in her town and I bet she prayed when she heard He was in her town that she would have that divine moment in the street with Him.  Then the moment came and as the crowd pushed in around Him, she risked everything and pressed even closer.

30At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

31“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’”

32But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

 She knew what she had done was wrong, so she fell at His feet and started to beg for mercy, but He looked down on her and says that her faith has healed her.  I love the last thing He says to her, "Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."  Another translation says, "Go in peace.  Your suffering has ended."

The suffering ended with one touch.  Her faith was so great that she was willing to break all rules just to touch His cloak.  I long for faith like that, faith so strong that I am willing to go above and beyond society's rules and reach out for healing.  My faith, like most people, waxes and wanes due to my circumstances.  I do have a great faith and I believe that He is all powerful and capable of amazing things but I often doubt His will for my life.  Funny that I say that because I have seen what He can do in my life and the many miracles that He has authored, so I know He is there and working but with suffering comes doubt.

I'm sure the woman had her doubts about being healed because of the obstacles she had to overcome.  She'd been suffering for 12 years, surely there were moments that she doubted His love for her and she thought that she would be suffering for the rest of her life but she still pressed on. I keep pressing on too even through my doubt.  Though I am more like the synagogue leader, I plead.

If you've been reading for any amount of time you know that I am great with turning things over only to pick them up again and when you pick them back up you make things worse, however I've yet to learn that lesson. I can't just let it go, it's not in my nature to let things take their course.  I'm a doer and a planner and I can't plan when I don't know where things are headed. So when things don't work out, I certainly can't blame myself so I start to doubt.  I mean He made me this way, He made me a doer and a planner so why doesn't He use that part of me for His purposes?  At least that is what I try to convince myself of.

That's why Trust and Obey became my theme song, though I must have it running constantly to remind myself of the songs message.  Lord, I love you.  Please help me to trust and obey. Trust and obey are tough words to swallow.  There are very few people I trust and certainly fewer that I trust with my life.  So trusting an unforeseen force is even tougher.  And when it comes to obeying, that's an even tougher pill to swallow.  Not to say that I don't follow the rules, I do, but I tend to follow a different drummer.  So those are the things He is trying to teach me in my suffering, to trust and obey.

Sadly I'm not doing a good job at paying attention or at finishing my homework, because if I was I wouldn't pick stuff back up over and over but thankfully He hasn't given up on me.  He keeps loving me anyway.  There is nothing I can do to make Him love me any less.  His love unlike people's is unconditional.  I can keep coming back to Him, asking for forgiveness and He will freely give it to me. He is patiently waiting on me to get it right, but until then, He will continue to grant me His mercy.  No matter how much I doubt, He continues to pour out His love on my situation.  He does the same for you....