His love is encouraging

Day 27...Love encourages

Today's Dare:  Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home.  Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it.  Promise them you'll seek to understand and assure them of your unconditional love.

Unrealistic expectations are everywhere.  We put them on ourselves and others and most of the time we fail to meet them.  When we fail to meet those expectations resentment bubbles up and that's when the trouble comes.  Of course when we place those expectations on other people we think that they are totally reasonable, otherwise we hopefully wouldn't have given them.  In my case I have high expectations for my significant other because I hold them in high regards.  I see them as able to do anything.  Just like Superman they are able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue me when I fall but as we know our mates aren't Superman they are mere humans that can't always perform on such a high level. 

We need to be able to extend them grace, compassion and patience when they fail to meet those expectations and just like yesterday, we need to ask forgiveness when our expectations exceed their capabilities.  Let your spouse know that your love for them doesn't depend on their performance.         

His love responds

Day 26...Love is responsible

Today's dare: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel. 

"Love doesn't make excuses.  Love keeps working to make a difference - in you and in your marriage. Love is responsible and is willing to admit and correct its faults and errors up front.  Are you taking responsibility for this person you chose for yourself as the love of your life?"

Ouch, earlier we talked about granting forgiveness now we are talking about asking for forgiveness and because we know how difficult it was to grant it, we are now really worried about asking for it because of the reaction we might get.  Plus, we can't imagine that we do anything that is worth asking for forgiveness for anyway, so the soul searching might be more then we can handle, so let's take this one step at a time.

Its very difficult to admit we've done something wrong.  Unless you are just a terrible person, no one makes plans to hurt someone they love but we all do it.  Unknowingly or not, we all hurt the people that we love. Sometimes we can see when we hurt our loved ones but other times we don't and its the times that we don't know we've hurt them that need the most forgiveness.

So its important that we ask our other half if there have been times that we have hurt them, for two reasons.  One for a learning experience, and two to be able to ask for forgiveness.  I always tell people that I can't atone for sins that I am not aware of, so ask, remain calm when they react, ask for forgiveness and whether they grant it or not thank them for their time.

Say a prayer.  Find the right time.  Take a deep breath and ask.  It might not end up as scarey as you might think.  It might even open up a needed dialogue. 

He forgives

Day 25...Love Forgives

Today's Dare: Whatever you haven't forgiven of your mate forgive it today.  Let it go.  Just as we ask Jesus to "Forgive us our debts" each day, we must ask him to help us "Forgive our debtors" each day as well.  Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.  Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

This might be the hardest dare so far because forgiveness is something that we don't do naturally.  We are more likely to hold a grudge then forgive someone who has hurt us or done us wrong.  We tend to keep score in our relationships. We might say we forgive them, but we still are harboring some bad feelings about the incident.

We all are aware of how forgiveness is actually supposed to work, especially those of us that believe in Him.  We know that forgiveness is just a prayer away and when we are forgiven, we are completely forgiven.  No grudge.  No questions.  No judgement.  No tick mark in our column.  Its gone and done.  As far as the east is from the west. 

Mathew 18 talks about forgiveness. In the passage one of the Apostles asks, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"  The answer was, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven." Now I'm no Theologian but what I get from that passage is that its so difficult to forgive and forget that we must do it over and over again until we get it right.  We need to grant our spouse, our friends, our family, our children, our co-workers complete forgiveness and if that means we have to do it over and over again, that that's what we need to do.

Plus if we harbor unforgiveness, then we can't expect to be forgiven as well. So, forgive and forgive well.  Its another important choice that we make in relationships.  Choosing to love means choosing forgiveness.

His love is always fulfilling

Day 24...Love vs. Lust

Today's Dare: End it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed - Today - and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with his perfect love.

Lust...even the best of us do it.  We might lust over someone or something.  We might think that "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence."  We might look for pleasure in other places or other people.  We might be after that's sports car or the next big thing and when we get what we have been lusting over we find that we are not any happier then we were before and we look for the next thing that catches our eye.

Lust destroys relationships. Lust destroys careers. Lust destroys families.  Lust destroys people.  Lust makes us fat and lazy.  Lust makes our eyes wander.  Lust makes us think that someone else has it better then we do. Lust makes us non-contented.

I suffered with lust over food for a long time.  I found that it made me happy when I was sad.  It gave me lots of pleasure, but when I was done I went right back to feeling bad again, so I went looking for my next fix.  But when I started to realize that I could get that same kind of pleasure from His love, I started turning my attention to Him during a craving or sad moment. I started drawing my strength from above rather then from my refrigerator.  I'm still not completely over my food habit but I find that I don't look at it as lustfully as I used to.  I don't turn to it during times of crisis.  I turn my eyes heavenward when things get tough and I find that I get answers to life's dilemmas instead of empty plates and empty promises.

If there is an issue of lust in your life, turn your eyes heavenward and fill up on His love instead of looking towards someone or something to fill that void in you life.  I promise that the more you look up the less you will find yourself tripping over emptiness.

His love always protects

Day 23 - Love always protects

Today's Dare: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse. 

This dare speaks to me because I know what it feels like to have your needed affection given to an addiction/influence.  It hurts, I know, when you are not the priority that you should be.  Its miserable to be in the same room, even seated next to someone and because of an outside influence you feel lonely and neglected.  I know, your saying "You can't be the center of attention all of the time." That's not what I am saying at all.  What I am saying is that sometimes things like the TV, the computer, your cell phone, your IPad, etc, become barriers to intimacy and when they start to interrupt your relationship and begin to take precedence then there is a problem. 

I know people don't think TV or Facebook or Twitter would be considered addictions, but if you can't pull yourself away for a few hours and unplug from the world then maybe you might rethink what an addiction actually is.  When you start choosing whatever that thing is over your spouse or significant other then there is a problem.  When you spend more time with whatever it is then your spouse or significant other there especially is a problem. 

I realize that I might be different then some women because my love language is quality time, but I think I speak for all women when I say, "Intimacy doesn't always have to be physical." But just as a mention to all my male readers, "Emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy."

Choose today to reorder your priorities, remembering that inanimate objects shouldn't come before your spouse.

His love is faithful

Day 22...Love is faithful

Today's dare: Love is a choice, not a feeling.  It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction.  Choose today to be committed to you love even if your spouse has lost of of their interest in receiving it.  Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

OK, that message is for people in committed relationships only, but for those of you are are dating, let me give you a piece of advice...Loving someone that doesn't love you back doesn't turn out well. 

I know you have strong feelings for him.  I know you think about him day and night, but you can't make him love you.  You can't make him have the same feelings you do.  Don't settle, if you are not a priority of his then maybe its time to cut ties. I know that's harsh and hard to hear but the person that you marry needs to make you one of his top priorities.  He needs to be as much in love with you as you are to him. He needs to put as much if not more effort into the relationship than you do.  You need to feel honored and cherished.  He needs to be leading the relationship, not you dragging him along behind.     

Let me repeat myself...Don't settle.  Don't feel pressured to get married or to do anything that you might regret later.  Don't let your feelings for him cloud your judgement.  Believe me I know how easy it is to give into that need and I know you think in the back of your mind that if you give in he will eventually love you, but that's not how it works.  I don't want to hate on the male race, but their minds don't work the same as ours.  Just because you give into temptation does not mean that his feelings for you are going to change. 

Remember the first line of the dare, "Love is a choice not a feeling."  I know you have butterflies when you think of him.  I know you get goosebumps when you say his name, but that will eventually fade and if you've settled for someone that doesn't make you a priority, if you've settled for someone that doesn't honor and cherish you, if you've settled for someone that only puts in minimal effort you won't have much to go on for the rest of your life.

You need to be with someone that makes regular deposits into your love bank, whether that's with words or gifts or time or touch or actions.  Never settle for anything less then exactly what you need.

Love is satisified in Him

Day 21...Love is satisfied in Him

Today's dare: Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your bible.  Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day, or read a chapter in the Gospels.  As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises He has for you.  This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.

Day 20's dare might have been a big day for you.  Maybe you've never invited Him into your life or maybe you had drifted away and now your back on track whatever the reason Day 21 is about walking out your new decision.

Its interesting that I come to this day on this specific weekend because we just started a new series on Love at my Church and in the sermon the Pastor said that the only way to be fulfilled or complete is through Him.  Relationships are great, people are great, your husband or wife is great, but they don't complete you, they don't make you whole, He does.

I know, I know say what you want but in relationships two broken people don't make a whole person.  I know that we've all said to the one we love, "You complete me", "You fill that void in my heart", "Without you I'm nothing" but we learn quickly that Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful isn't able to meet all of our needs all of the time and that void starts to become empty again.  When we base our happiness on others and that other person doesn't live up to their "end of the bargain" our world falls apart.  We don't know what to do with ourselves when they are away.  We wander like lost puppies looking for something to fill that void because they are our life support, but when that void is filled properly our life support flows from heaven and its always available.

So take that step to becoming whole.  Small steps are only what is needed.  Small steps lead to huge victories.

With Him love is possible

Day 19...Love is impossible

Today's dare: Look back over the dares from the previous days.  Were there some that seemed impossible to you?  Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask him to show you where you stand with him and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. 

Sometimes loving someone can seem impossible, especially after your together for a while. The more time you spend with someone the more you start to notice things that you don't like about them.  In the beginning they are Mr. "Perfect" but later they become Mr. "No so perfect".  Ms." I'm your biggest fan" becomes Ms. "You didn't put the toilet seat down again".

I read this quote today:  "No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE."  I think it says it all, though I think falling in love is just as much a choice as it is a chance, but relationships are hard work.

I think we forget that we married mere mortals, who are flawed and sinful, but more often we forget that we are mere mortals as well.  We can't do this on our own.  We need help making that choice to love our partners.  We need guidance with our words and our actions.  We need healing from hurts both past and present.  We need patience.  Help forgiving and work with extending mercy and grace.  We need supernatural intervention.

I know I'm probably the last person you should listen to when it comes to relationship advice, but I do know a little something about where that supernatural help can come from.  Just today I called on that help, because believe me without it I wouldn't have been able to write my last post on words with a straight face.  I call upon that power each time I start writing these posts because without it my words would be harsh and resentful. I call upon that supernatural intervention each day as I climb out of bed and put my feet on the ground.  That supernatural power guides me as I interact each day with people I am in relationship with and that supernatural power is who inspired me to write this blog in the first place.

That supernatural power that I am talking about is Him.  He who looks down on us lovingly, willing to forgive all of our sins when we ask.  With His help we can love more deeply because He loved us first.  We can forgive our partner because He forgives and we with His help we can love even when it seems impossible because with Him everything is possible. 

Do you have Him in your life? If you don't click here and say the simple prayer and forever be changed. 

His words are wise

I was thinking about words today.  I was struck by something someone said to me and was reminded of several verses about words and their amazing abilities.

Proverbs 12:18 is one of my favorite verses about words, it says in the NIV:

The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
   but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

But if you know me, you know I appreciate how the Message says it:

Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise.

We all know words are powerful.  The right word at the right time will bring a smile to you face, whereas a harsh word will bring sadness.  However I think sometimes the way something is said is just as important as the words that we are saying. In relationships sometimes tough things have to be said so the delivery of those words that makes the hardness softer.

We have the power to bring healing to our spouse with our words and our actions.  We know our spouse well enough to know what words wound or heal, at any moment we have the choice to use those words to do just that.

Speaking as a women, we tend to be more sensitive to the words our partner uses.  We are usually the communicator in the relationship, we value words especially the words from our non-verbal partners.  So when our mates use words to hurt us, its like being stabbed in the heart.  Those words cut and wound us deeply.

I know that during this Love Dare blog-a-thon I've been talking a lot about choices.  We make thousands of choices each day.  We choose to get out of bed in the morning.  We choose what to eat for breakfast.  We choose what shoes to wear to work, but we also have the choice to enrich our mates life with our love.

We choose to kiss them goodbye and tell them that we love them before we head to work.  We choose whether or not to make them a priority and get home for dinner on time.  We choose to greet them when we get home.  We choose to listen to them download their day.  We choose to love them.

You choose to fall in love with them long ago.  Continue to make that choice everyday.

His love seeks to understand

Day 18...Love seeks understanding

Today's dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you.  The dinner can be as nice as you prefer.  Focus this time on getting to know you spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about.  Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

I normally don't quote the book but I like what it had to say about studying your spouse.

"Consider the follow perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a "college degree," a "master's degree," and ultimately a "doctorate degree."  Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate."

 How well do you actually know your mate?  Do you know their greatest hopes and dreams? Do you know and understand how they prefer to give and receive love?  Do you know what your spouse's greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?

When you were courting you studied your partner, you learned what made them tick.  You were interested in what they liked, what they felt and what they needed, but as your relationship grew your interest in studying him or her started to be replaced by other interests and as we stop learning about each other we start to pick apart each other. We begin to not understand our partner the way we used to so we allow their annoying habits to get to us.

"Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don't understand them.  They probably react very differently to certain situations that you do and you can't figure out why."

Relationships are all about differences, you wouldn't want to be involved with someone just like you so it becomes a problem when those differences start to get on the others nerves.  It's worth studying your partner and finding out why they are the way they are.  Find out what's behind those "annoying habits".    

The best way to rekindle intimacy is to listen.  If you need some help with that re-read this post.  Focus on each other for a while.  Listen, don't judge. Give each other space to connect on a deeper level.  Remember it all comes down to a choice.

His love is unconditional...Part 2

I wrote this post several days ago about unconditional love. Since then I've really been thinking a lot about unconditional love and what it actually means to love someone unconditionally.

We are commanded to love people unconditionally, 1 Peter 4:8 NIV says:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

The Message says it this way:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

I love that version and I think we can all learn something from that in our relationships.  "Love like your life depends on it." That's a great way to think about love between two people in a committed relationship.  When you love like your life depends on it, you give your partner room to make mistakes without worry of negative reciprocation, because like the verse goes on to say, "Love covers a multitude of sins."

If we all lived by this verse there would be far fewer divorces in our country.  It wouldn't be so easy to use the dreaded "D" word during disagreements or after a fight, because our love for our partner is life giving and not life draining.

Remember it all comes down to choices.  We can choose to love or we can choose not to.  We can choose to argue or we can choose to give grace and bow out of a no win situation.  We can choose to give love or we can choose to withhold love.  We choose to honor or dishonor our spouse with our words and actions.  We can choose to love unconditionally or love with conditions, but we have to remember that we are loved unconditionally by the One that brought us together.  His love for us covers all of our sins and if He can love us that way we need to do the same to our spouse.

When we married we made a commitment between 3 people; your spouse, yourself and Him.  He knows all of our sins, yet He still chooses to forgive and forget.  We need to be more like Him and grant that same grace to our spouse, because we know all of their sins as well and love makes up for practically everything.

His love is intimate

Day 17...Love promotes intimacy

Today's Dare: Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and pray for them.  Talk with your spouse and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.

Men of the world, if you don't get anything else out of these 40 days, get this..."Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."  Give your wife a few minutes of your day to download.  Either look her in the eyes or hold her close while she is talking to you.  Turn off the TV, the computer, put your phone on vibrate.  Don't give any advice, unless she asks for it.  Allow her to feel safe about sharing her feelings with you. 

Women are starved for personal intimacy.  Women need to talk and share their feelings and we need to feel like we can share with our mates.  If you give your wife/girlfriend a few minutes of your time each day I can promise you that she will feel closer to you and you will reap the benefits. 

No kids.  No phone.  No TV.  Just the two of you connecting on a deeper level.  Your mate will feel loved if you spare a few minutes to focus in on her and her thoughts.  Make this time a priority.  Schedule it, put in a reminder on your phone.  Show her love in a way that might be uncomfortable for you, but in a way that she will appreciate.

His love intercedes

Day 16...Love intercedes

Today's Dare: Begin praying today for your spouse's heart.  Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

I might not make any friends with this post but...when are we going to learn that nagging and complaining won't change our mate?  Women are especially bad at this.  We nag our male counterparts to death about stuff that we think they need to change, all the while contempt builds in their heart because they think we don't accept them for who they are and contempt never leads to anything good so the nagging ends up tearing the relationship apart.

We need to realize that we can't change our partners. We can berate them all day long, but that's not going to convince them to change their behavior, its just going to drive a wedge between the two of you.  The best way to get someone to change is to pray for a seed to be planted and for Him to nurture it as it grows.  But even better is to pray for a change in you to better understand your mate and their idiosyncrasies.

We fall in love with imperfect people, its not our job to change them.  We fall in love with the things that make them unique, don't allow their uniqueness to become an annoyance.  We fall in love with our mates because we feel they make us whole, make room for one more in your relationship allow room for Him to work in both of you.

You honor Him with your love

Day 15...Love is honorable

Today's dare: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen or speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes. 

Honor is not a word we hear much any more.  When I think of honor, visions of men on horses in suits of armor come to mind.  I think of one of my favorite musicals, Camelot.  No, not the movie with the love triangle, the old musical theater production of Camelot.  In Camelot the knights lived by the code of chivalry.  They esteemed and honored those of the feminine persuasion.  Nowadays women and men as well are not given that high of a regard but that's not the way things are supposed to be.

We have the opportunity to honor and respect our significant other even when others around us are not, but even more so we have an opportunity to honor and respect our spouse when we feel like they don't deserve it. 

Take a moment this week to choose to honor and respect your partner, whether they deserve it or not.