I've written about my weight loss journey. I've gotten many compliments about my dedication and sitck-to-it-ness but that's only have the story. Yes losing 100 pounds was a major accomplishment but battling with self-image is much more difficult."Then He said, Let Us make man in our image, in Our likeness and let them rule...So He created man in His own image, male and female He created them." Genesis 1:26-27
I've never thought of myself as beautiful. I've always believed that there was a lot about me I'd like to change and as I began to gain weight, whatever thoughts of ever becoming beautiful went out the window. I remember there was a time that I avoided full length mirrors. I wouldn't try on clothes at stores because I would have to get undressed in front of a mirror and look at myself. I often bought clothes that were to big or baggy to help hide my body. I got so good at hiding behind my clothes when someone finally noticed that I had lost a lot of weight and I told them how much I had lost, they couldn't believe the number because they couldn't figure out where I had kept all of it.
If you read my post about my weight loss you'll know that I wouldn't allow anyone to take pictures of me after that ill-fated Thanksgiving Day picture that was published on Facebook. If a picture was mandatory I found ways to cover most of me and hopefully only have my head exposed. If I couldn't look at myself in the mirror there was no way that I would allow other people to see, but even now after all the weight I have lost I still struggle with my body image.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in quite a few years called me beautiful. I thanked her for her comment but I was struck by it. Had I always been right in my thinking about not being pretty? She didn't know me when I was at my heaviest but in my mind there must have been quite a difference in 5 years ago and now.
This was the other verse I read during my quiet time this morning:
"And I praise You because of the wonderful ways you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt. With Your own eyes saw my body being formed. Even before I was born, You had written in Your book everything I would do." Psalm 139:14David wrote that verse. I imagine him dancing (David did a lot of dancing) around in front of a mirror admiring His work on him. I am getting better at dancing in front of the mirror and admiring my accomplishment but changing 20 years of thinking is hard work. I see the difference. I feel the difference and I look different but thinking differently is totally different.
There is even a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder that is common among women and men that have eating disorders. BDD sufferers actually see themselves as fat. When they look in the mirror they see a totally different image of what is actually there. You can't convince them that they are bone skinny. They believe that people are lying to them about what the scale says. Most people with untreated BDD die because they diet themselves to death. They are never happy with what they see in the mirror. No amount of talk will ever convince them that they are beautiful. They see fat and they see ugly.
Those that do get diagnosed go through intensive therapy to re-wire their brains and thought patterns. There is research that is proving that their brains have been miss-wired because of the bad thought processes that have been going on for years. Bad thought connections have to be replaced with good thoughts and the process is almost painful for the participant because they have to come to grips with the frail state of their actual bodies.
I am happy with the way I look. I really like it when people call me beautiful and I am finally starting to believe them. I am learning that I just might not be able to loose anymore weight because there is simply not much left to loose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Created perfectly in His image. I am not junk!
