His servant is blameless and upright

I am under attack.  Even though intellectually I know that things are fine, my heart is being flooded with doubt and despair.  Have you ever felt that way?  Have you ever been in the middle of a head and heart argument?

Without giving an anatomy lesson I'll just tell you that your heart isn't controlled by your conscious mind.  It's an involuntary muscle that beats without a single thought from us.  It's just like breathing.  We don't have to think every few seconds, breathe in...now out...again.  It just happens.  So getting your heart and mind to agree on most anything is going to be quite the battle. 

The next several weeks are kind of an anniversary for me, "The end of the end."  The beginning of the end happened years ago so between now and Valentine's Day is a really tough reminder of a pretty painful time in my life.  I don't remember much about this time last year but something pretty significant must have happened  on January 23, 2011 because it was on that day this year that the attack began.  

This morning He woke me up quite early.  I don't know what time it was but I do know it was pouring rain and very dark.  I barely opened my eyes to gauge the time but I immediately started talking to Him.  I was so frustrated about a situation from the day before I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but He waited for me.  He didn't try to interrupt but I could just barely hear Him trying to gently remind me that although He would wait for me to finish, He had heard me the night before and if I didn't be still and quiet for a moment I wouldn't be able to hear what He had to say on the matter.  So I tried my very best to close my mouth and listen.

You know I don't know about you but We actually have regular conversations.  People look at me funny when I say that but We actually do.   I talk He listens, when He talks I listen.  So whenever He wakes me up before the sunrise I tend to pay really close attention.  More then likely what He has to say must be pretty important because He knows I'm not a morning person. 

So this morning through the no-caffeine fog I heard Him tell me the following:

1. Not everything you are feeling is the truth. You know the truth in your head.  You can see the truth and I know you know the difference between the truth you feel and the lies your past is telling you.  
2. You know better then anyone else what you and your children need.  Don't let people make you feel powerless.  Don't allow people to patronize you or make you feel inferior.  Stand up and be heard.  
3. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel.  Don't let the actions of people in your past stand in the way of your happiness.  Remember the past can't hurt you unless you let it.  It's OK to be excited about your future.  Look forward to it, but don't let your fear hold you back.

I have PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Most people know about PTSD because they hear about it on the news when journalists talk about the stress of war on the men and women that defend our liberties.  Solders with PTSD often talk about not being able to relate to their families once they return home.  They are so scarred from the trauma of war that they don't feel that their actual reality is actual reality.  They jump at ever noise.  Every cry from their baby or child reminds them of death.  A simple backfire from a truck driving down their street can send them into attack mode.  My PTSD is triggered by certain body language and tone of voice.  It doesn't matter who is talking to me when I see and hear that combination my body goes on high alert. 

Your brain is an amazing creation.  Just like breathing and your heat rhythm, it does most things without a conscious though.  Synapses are fired, hormones and other chemicals are released without you ever knowing it.  There are parts of your brain that are triggered by sights and smells and sounds.   It can literally re-wire itself after injury or traumatic event, so when it's been conditioned to respond to a stimulus in a certain way after a long period of time it's not just as easy as flipping a switch to return the response to normal.   

It's interesting that He said that I know the difference between reality and my past. I know He's right.  I know I know the truth.  I know I know better then anyone else, even those with clinical degrees, on what myself and my children need.  I know I shouldn't be afraid to tell people how I feel.  I know that the people I have around me do not act the same as those in the past.  I know all these things yet conquering fear is really tough. 

So what do you do when faced with fear?  When I think about fear I think about Job (no not job as in something you do, Job like as in the Old Testament guy).  Job's story is very interesting, he was minding his business doing what he thought was right, following the laws when all of a sudden his life is turned upside down with trauma after trauma.  Bad things happen left and right to Job. 

In Job 2, the Creator and the Evil One are having a conversation and He says this about Job: “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”  The Evil One answers back and says basically that once he has his way with him, he will curse and run from the Holy One.  So the Evil One departs and starts trying to break Job of his righteousness.

Job never gives in.  His friends tell him to.  His wife tells him to, but all the while he remains "blameless and upright".  Job had all the reasons to believe that He had forsaken him.  He was under major attack by the Evil One.  His head and heart were battling with each other yet he never turned and ran. I believe He knew that ultimately he was chosen for battle because he was in His favor.

I know that I must be doing something right to come under attack like this.  Obviously if I had been forsaken He wouldn't have needed my attention so early this morning.  Sometimes in the battle of the heart and mind you simply need to be reminded that deep inside of you is the truth.  The truth is powerful. The truth lets you know that you have the power inside of you to overcome your fear, your past, your hurt or anything else that is standing in the way of your fulfillment. It may seem cliche' but embrace the truth within you. Don't let the shadows of your past hold you back any longer.         

His many blessings of 2011, Part 2

The other day I started a 3 part series, click here if you'd like to read Part 1. 

In Part 1, I thanked my son Brandon for his part in my transformation during 2011.  In Part 2, I'd like to thank another participant. 

I can say a lot about my next honoree.  He is truly blessed with an amazing ability to work with the gifts of The Spirit.  I have a few other friends that have that ability, all of which are major blessings to me, but his abilities stands out among them. I talked a little about him in this post, but I thought I would brag on him a little more.   

I'm 36 years old, been married more then once, yet there have been a lot of firsts in our relationship.  Although I can't remember my youth clearly, I do know he is the first man to consistently open my door for me.  Others did once or twice but as soon as they thought they had caught me, they stopped, but 9 months later he is still doing it.  I'm still not used to it though, often I have to stop from doing it myself.  I just hope I never take it for granted.

He's the first that simply listens.  No advice.  No football on behind me.  No constantly looking at his phone or watch to see how long I've been talking.  Just quiet patience as I get it off my chest and because of that I find it much easier to talk to him about "us".  I think he thinks we talk to much about it but never does he get mad or show any frustration.  He simply says that he doesn't want to talk about that now but if I want to we can.  That's not something I am used to either.  In the past I've been worried about opening my mouth and speaking up about something but now it's so easy I probably do it to much.

He's the first that I feel a close friendship with.  It's probably this way because we were just friends at first.  We learned to connect with each other on a much more "formal" level.  Not that our current relationship is "informal" but things change when you hold hands or kiss for the first time.  I really just like being with him.  We don't have to be doing anything.  Just sitting together have the strangest conversations, poking fun at each other and just enjoying each others presence. 

He apologizes more then any man I've known, which is very refreshing. Normally I'm the one that is always apologizing but he is quick to apologize when it is warranted. He tries much harder then most of the men that have been in my life.  I have totally fallen for him, yet he continues to pursue me.  He's always looking for new ways to enhance our relationship.  He invests in me for my benefit not just his or ours.  He's helped me pick up the pieces of my heart over the past 9 months.  Never complaining about how long it was taking or how much energy he was having to invest.  He's quick to call when I need him.  He's starting to let go of his independence and we are getting closer because of it.      

He honors me with his words that he speaks to me and to others.  He values my thoughts and feelings.  He blesses me with his grace and his compassion. I am privileged to call him my friend and I feel honored that he thinks about me when he thinks about the future.

His many blessings of 2011, Part 1

I started this blog in October 2010, right after what I would have considered a miracle that happened in my marriage, but shortly there after the magic of that miracle started to dissipate and by the New Year it was completely gone. I spent Valentine's Day 2011 in a strange new bed.  I was surrounded by friends but still felt completely alone.  I was broken and angry.  Lost in the darkness of the wilderness with no hope for a way out.

Thankfully, I ended 2011 in a much better place.  No longer alone.  No longer in the wilderness and with most of my pieces put back together.

I spent a lot of 2011 living in the past or at least anticipating the future based on my past experiences but as the year progressed I started looking forward to the future. 

Over the next couple of days I'd like to thank 3 people that helped see me through this year.  Yes there are many others that helped along the way.  I couldn't have done it without my friends and my parents but there are 3 people that really had an impact in my life this year.  Without them I might still be in the dark and certainly still in pieces. 

Firstly, I'd like to thank my son Brandon.  Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I blamed him for most of my problems.  He had been an easy target for blame since September 29th, 2009.  And because his actions were mentioned during the arguing and fighting that lead to my lonely Valentine's Day it was even easier this time to place the blame on his shoulders.  I will never forget how badly I treated him during those first few months of the year.  I know he has forgiven me for it, but I still hold myself accountable for the tears in his eyes when he just sat there allowing me to be angry and yell at him.  Thankfully both of us have changed since then, well really mostly me, he had done most of his work already leading up to the beginning of the year, but he has really taught me some important lessons in life.

In church you hear a lot about grace and forgiveness.  Both are great to hear about.  You learn that they are freely given from the Father but when you have to put them to practical use and extend those to people that you know especially ones that have truly hurt you it's a totally different story.  I am really good at extending grace in most situations.  It's really not that big of a deal if you spill milk on my freshly mopped floor or splatter toothpaste on my mirror but the hurt that he had caused was much bigger then a dirty floor or mirror.  It was a deep scar on the hearts of many people.  A scar so deep that some people still haven't found forgiveness, even now two years later. And for a while I thought I was allowed to carry unforgiveness because I saw what happened to my family in the wake of his destruction, but then I remembered this verse.

 ²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 NIV

I remembered that verse during a moment in church one Saturday night when Pastor John was praying for healing.  He said "If there is anyone you need to forgive do so now so that you can receive your blessings."  At that moment I realized that I wasn't able to receive the full blessing of my Heavenly Father because my heart was closed due to the unforgiveness I held deep in it. So that night I prayed and wrote Brandon a letter asking for forgiveness and telling him that it was time to move past the past and move forward into the future and so we did, together.

You don't really know how things will work until you just do it.  You can plan and plan but until you are in the thick of it, you're really just guessing about the possibilities.  Luckily both Brandon and I have become very good at extending grace and even though the toilet seat is up more often then down, it's been a blessing having him home.