Walking by His side

If you've been following me for a while you know that my theme song is Trust and Obey or Big Daddy Weave's version.  Tonight during a crisis of faith His Spirit reminded me of my song and its meaning in my life.  I was feeling sorry for myself and questioning His faithfulness and as I was looking toward heaven praying, I was gently told to play the song and listen again to its lyrics.  So I did and the verse that stuck out this time was this:

Not a burden we bear,
  Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
  Not a grief or a loss,
  Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

It reminded me that He has seen me this far and He is not about to give up now.  I may be repeating myself from other posts but apparently I needed to be reminded yet again and if you have been reading for a while you know that I tend to forget easily.  So I am glad that His Spirit is gentle with me while giving me my repeated reminders.  The word that stuck out is toil, so I looked it up.  Here is what Merriam Webster says about the word toil:

1 archaic a : struggle, battle b : laborious effort

2: long strenuous fatiguing labor

The last eighteen months are summed up in that definition, a long strenuous fatiguing labor.   As a woman who has had babies when I think of labor I think of delivering my eldest son.  It was 16 hours strapped to a bed on my back, not being able to move or change positions.  As a first time mom nothing prepared me for this extreme labor.  I had taken all the classes, learned to breathe through the pain but this baby was determined to come the hard way.  Finally 10 hours into the labor I gave into an epidural but that wasn't the end of things.  The labor still took another 6 hours, 3 of which I pushed.  Now I am not sure where my anesthesiologist went to school but I don't think he passed the epidural section.  He had that sucker turned up so high that I felt nothing so the pushing was going nowhere, but yet I kept on pushing.  Pushing and pushing for 3 hours and finally when I felt like I was going to pop they wheeled me into the delivery room and out came my son. I've had other babies since but they were nothing in comparison.

I have a lot of anger towards the hospital and the Doctors that I was in the care of during that birth.  After talking to other Doctors, they couldn't find reason to keep me confined to the bed not being able to change positions especially after finding out he came face up.  There answer was, "Oh yes, you should have been able to get up and move.  I bet the pain was just terrible!"  I just smile and nod in agreement with their response.

Yes toiling is painful and often you feel like you are strapped to a table and there is no escape.  You must endure the pain without being able to change positions to help ease the stress.  There is always lots of anger towards people and towards the heavens.

Another issue I faced during my son's labor was self-doubt.  I had planned a natural delivery and when things went south, I started doubting my natural ability to do what I had planned.  Self-doubt is a strong contender, it comes at you hard and fast and doesn't let up.

This verse of the song speaks to what we need to do with self-doubt:

But we never can prove
  The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
  For the favor He shows,
  And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

We have to let it go because even though it's hard to see, He is looking out for us.  Lay it on the altar and leave it there.  Ahh, another theme in my posts, leaving things on the altar and not picking them up, but alas not picking them up again is so difficult.  We often put Him in a box and turn things over but expect Him to do things on our terms and in on our time table.  Being still and waiting is torturous, but it is necessary for Him to do His work.     

What are you praying for?  What is keeping you strapped to the bed of self-doubt?  Have you turned it over but like me keep picking it up?  Be still and know He has it covered.

His steps

I know that you are getting tired of Jonah, but he's on the docket for the next couple of weeks...so hang on cause here we go!

By now you know the story...the word came to Jonah and Jonah ran.  He ran as far and as fast as he could.  But as we know He has long arms and He caught up with Jonah.  Jonah jumped, almost drowned and then the whale saved him.  But that's not the whole story...

What happens when Jonah gets spit out onto dry land?  Well we know that while he is in the whale, he repents. So what happens when He gives Jonah the same command?  I think I would agree with most people and say Jonah probably didn't jump and run to Nineveh, because he was still nervous.  Plus he was probably a bit shaken by the 3 day trip in the belly of a whale.  But nevertheless Jonah did take that first step.  It was difficult I bet, but he did it.  One foot in front of the other, conquering his fears one step at a time.

His calling is never an easy calling.  He rarely asks us to stay in our comfort zone because that's when He develops us and shapes us.  Faith is taking that first step and knowing that He will guide all the others.

Faith is hard in times of troubles.  When you are at the base of the mountain, it's hard to imagine getting to the top.  But we must put one foot in front of the other, knowing that our steps are blessed because we are doing what He called us to do. 

So the question is...What is your first step?  Doesn't have to be giant step, just a baby step will do.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Small steps lead to bigger steps.  Cautious steps lead to more courageous ones.  Your mountain might seem huge to you but to Him it is just a bump in the road.  Follow His leading and listen to that voice that is calling you to do what seems impossible.  He has given you the strength and courage to do it, just take that first step.

He wept

In all fairness and truth, I wanted to share my afternoon with you...not long after I posted He never lets go a friend of mine sent me a message that said, "When we worry we are saying to Him, we don't think You can take care of our problems."  I thought about that while I clutched my hand cross as I drove my daughter to an appointment. Unfortunately the more I thought about my leap of faith the more I worried.  Not just a simple worrying thought running through my head but my entire body was worried.  My stomach was tight, my heart was racing, and my palms were sweaty, but I kept holding on to that cross.

In a book I recently read about worry, they talked about His Son's worry right before His death.  While in the Garden of Gethsemane, "He became deeply distressed and horrified."  Then He said to James and John, "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow - to the point of death."  And then He said while praying, "Abba, Father!  All things are possible for you.  Take this cup away from Me.  Nevertheless, not what I will but what You will." 

In another translation He says to James and John, "“My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death."  In yet another translation, His prayer is this, "Papa, Father, You can—can't You?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do You want?"  Yes, that is the question, what do You want for me?  What do You want me to learn from all of this? Why must I walk through this?

I love how human He is when He says, "You can - can't You? - get me out of this."  He was the Son of the Creator, but even He doubted His power and His will for His life at that crucial moment. So instead of shaming myself for doubting, I remembered that even the Son doubted and worried, even though He knew that redemption would happen just a few days later.

So back to Jonah...Jonah doubted His will for his life and in response he ran.  In Jonah's mind there was no way that He knew what He was doing if He wanted Jonah to give news to the Assyrians.  Jonah worried that he would get hurt or worse killed by the Assyrians, plus Jonah thought it was crazy that He who loved the Chosen People would want terrorists to repent and know His love.

Unlike Jonah, I am not running but I am scared like His Son.  Though I know redemption is right around the corner, I can't help but feel helpless.  I am human after all, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".   I read in one translation that when the Son was in the garden that He sweated blood because He was so worried.  I wasn't sweating blood today, but it was close.  

I have had a death-grip on that cross for the past three weeks.  I have worried the wax off that cross but the cross reminds me that He never lets go.  The arms of the cross wrap around my fingers like that of a hand, His hand.  And as I cry out to Him, I hold the cross close to me and I pray for those, like Jonah, that think they have to run when trouble comes.

His way is never the easy way.  His way is never the fastest way, but His way is always the right way.  And as I head to bed tonight, hand still clutching the cross, I know that even though I worry, He loves me anyway.

He never lets go

I've been thinking a lot lately of some of the things I have spoken about in other posts.  Am I posting them for you or for me? Am I paying attention to what I am saying or am I falling short?  Now most people that love me tell me that I am only human and it's in our nature to want to go back to old habits or go back to behaviors that we thought we had long forgot but as someone who is putting my life out for everyone to see I want to do better then that.

So, last night at a gathering I was at, the sermon was about dying to self and leaving things at the altar.  But most importantly not picking those things back up.  Once they are in His hands, it does us no good to take them back.  But as you know from other posts, I almost always do.  So last night I prayed about that and what that means in my life and then I took a HUGE step of faith.  I stopped worrying and turned it all over to Him.  I've seen Him work huge miracles in my life, surely He won't leave me stranded in my self-doubt and deepening anxiety at this moment in my life either. So without knowing what was coming next I let go, I am totally dependent on Him, His mercy and His grace. 

There is nothing I can do to change my circumstances, but He can.  There is nothing I can say to change my circumstances, but He will speak when the time is right.  Worrying or being anxious isn't going to help me move forward, but He comforts me with His Spirit.  I am in the belly of the whale, He has hold of me and He will put me where I need to be. 

There's nothing you can do once you are in the whale but wait and see and know that He has just saved you from drowning.  Drowning is a terrible way to die, I imagine.  Watching your life slip away and re-living all of your memories, good and bad, it really makes you think, it puts your life in perspective and if you are rescued you know you can't turn back.

Some people run from Him when there is trouble, even those who have had life changing experiences.  We can't ignore Him. His arms are long and He always brings us back.  We can't just go through the motions, we must set our eyes on Him and not look back.  Sometimes I think He allows us get so low and then sends in the whale because if we hadn't gotten to that place, the whale wouldn't be that big of a deal.  We would pass it off as something less then spectacular, we might not even learn from it.

Are you drowning? Are you waiting for rescue? My advice is to look towards the heavens and call out for Him.  Doesn't have to be beautiful.  Doesn't have to be perfect.  Your eyes open or close.  Just ask for rescue.  He hears your cry and help will be on the way.  

His grace

When your cruising along in life, thinking all is well, sometimes you come to a road block. What happens when you face that road block?  Do you turn around and go back the way you came? Do you follow the detour or do you plow through the road block with your car?

I know I have mentioned that Jonah is one of my favorite characters of the bible, but my church is doing a series on him and I was struck by the sermon this morning, so I have to share...

If you've been following me for a while, you know that I have come to a lot of road blocks over the past 16 months.  Some were good and others were not.  The things that I have heard, the events that I have witnessed, the stuff that I have endured have been very tough on my family and myself, but He always provides. 

If you know the story of Jonah, you know that Jonah got an instruction to go to Nineveh and spread His word.  Jonah didn't want to go because he was afraid of the Assyrians, and righteously so since the Assyrians had killed his people not so long ago, and Jonah just didn't feel like the Assyrians were worthy of His love, so he ran to the far corner of the world, thinking that he could hide from Him.

Well we all know the rest of the story...you can't hide from Him and even though Jonah tried to sleep through the storm, he got caught.  So Jonah is tossed into the water and as he is sinking deeper and deeper, and He rescues him.  He provided the fish/whale to save Jonah from dieing.  The fish wasn't a punishment, it was salvation.

How many of us think that the fish that He provides is punishment and not saving grace?  As I look back I can certainly see where I have viewed things that way. I remember specifically one situation where I was told something that would have saved me much heartache and instead of seeing it as helpful, I saw it as hopelessness and got angry.  And boy was I mad and mad for quite a while.  I talked a little about what that anger did to me in this post.

In the video series that goes along with the sermon series, the woman on the video used an example of someone holding a glass of water and them being shaken and of course water came out of the glass.  Her point was that when adversity comes it's what we are made of that bubbles out and after thinking back to this situation I am not proud of who I was back during that time.  Fortunately He never gave up on me and I did eventually I came around.  There's that fish again.

And now I am at a moment in time where I am having to look very hard at my circumstances to find that fish again.  Fish are easily mistaken for other things, but I am finding my fish in the smallest of places.  A word from a friend, a quote from a book or a scripture verse from the Bible.  I wish I could say I am pleased with all of the fish that I am getting but as a broken human, I am still waiting for the whale . 

Redemption is hard to wait on, we don't have the patience to wait on Him.  We want what we want and we want it now.  I have a vision of my redemption and I want to believe that this image is His and the image is what I need to hold onto while I wait for His redemption but I keep asking for the vision to be taken away because I don't want to be disappointed, but the vision keeps coming back.  Even after fervent prayer, the vision still appears.

Unlike Jonah, I didn't need to be swallowed before I returned to prayer.  As you have read, I am a big believer in prayer.  I have gotten lax at times, but my prayer life has really grown over the last 2 years.  I've been working very hard to really surrender completely, but again as a broken human, I often try to take matters into my own hands and of course I make things worse.  So that is my constant prayer, "Don't let me try to fix what is Yours to fix."  Let me say that again..."Don't let me try to fix what is Yours to fix."

The gift of the fish speaks to His loving kindness and grace.  Jonah ran from Him, he sinned but He still came after Jonah and loved him enough to save him from drowning.  We've all sinned and fallen short, but He always sends the fish to rescue us.  Sometimes the rescue is hard and long, but rescue always comes.  Sometimes the rescue is not what we expected, but rescue always comes.

Are you looking beyond your circumstances for your fish?

His heart

As Christian we are taught that if we confess we are forgiven, but I don't think we totally believe that.  As humans we struggle with forgiveness, so we can't understand how easily He gives it to us.  Be honest with yourself, when was the last time you totally forgave someone?  I mean totally forgave, no grudge, forgot totally about it, never brought it up again, let it go from your mind, acted like it never happened?  If your like me, I am not sure that I have ever forgiven someone like that, but He does.  Totally forgiven, gone from sight, never to be held against you.

What about forgiving yourself?  Are you better or worse at forgiving yourself or others?    I fail at both issues, but I think I carry a grudge against myself longer. I wish I didn't know how heavy guilt is and how it makes your shoulders hurt, but  I do.  So if we can't even forgive ourselves, we certainly can't understand how the Creator of the universe would care enough to forgive us.  So what do we do?

I am struggling with forgiveness right now and it's hard to let go and forgive.  The person that I need to forgive did something terrible and I just can't get past the pain it has cause me and my family, but what is the unforgiveness doing to my heart?  It's wearing a hole in it, that's what.

People tell me that this is not a simple situation so it won't be simple to forgive, but this pain in my heart is full of resentment, and anger and ready to boil over at anytime.  In fact it did boil over the other night and the people in my way got a direct hit.  Then I had to apologize and ask for forgiveness, this is one vicious circle!


I don't pretend to be Him and thank goodness I am not Him, but I continue to pray for His heart in this situation, because it will only be with His heart I will be able to forgive.

Do you have unforgiveness deep in your heart?  Are you struggling with anger or hurt that you just can't let go?  Are you holding a grudge against someone you love or even yourself?

I know that it is difficult but keeping hold of it is eating away at you and it will turn you into someone you won't like.  My advice is to pray and turn it over to Him. 

This is my prayer:  Dearest Heavenly Father, I give this hurt and anger over to You.  I don't want to carry this burden any longer.  I know that from time to time I will try to pick it up and carry it again, but gently remind me that You have control over it now and You don't need my help.  I know Your grace and mercy is for all who ask, I pray that you extend your mercy to my aggressor, show them Your love and kindness and give me Your heart to do the same.  In Your precious Son's name...Amen