His servant is blameless and upright

I am under attack.  Even though intellectually I know that things are fine, my heart is being flooded with doubt and despair.  Have you ever felt that way?  Have you ever been in the middle of a head and heart argument?

Without giving an anatomy lesson I'll just tell you that your heart isn't controlled by your conscious mind.  It's an involuntary muscle that beats without a single thought from us.  It's just like breathing.  We don't have to think every few seconds, breathe in...now out...again.  It just happens.  So getting your heart and mind to agree on most anything is going to be quite the battle. 

The next several weeks are kind of an anniversary for me, "The end of the end."  The beginning of the end happened years ago so between now and Valentine's Day is a really tough reminder of a pretty painful time in my life.  I don't remember much about this time last year but something pretty significant must have happened  on January 23, 2011 because it was on that day this year that the attack began.  

This morning He woke me up quite early.  I don't know what time it was but I do know it was pouring rain and very dark.  I barely opened my eyes to gauge the time but I immediately started talking to Him.  I was so frustrated about a situation from the day before I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but He waited for me.  He didn't try to interrupt but I could just barely hear Him trying to gently remind me that although He would wait for me to finish, He had heard me the night before and if I didn't be still and quiet for a moment I wouldn't be able to hear what He had to say on the matter.  So I tried my very best to close my mouth and listen.

You know I don't know about you but We actually have regular conversations.  People look at me funny when I say that but We actually do.   I talk He listens, when He talks I listen.  So whenever He wakes me up before the sunrise I tend to pay really close attention.  More then likely what He has to say must be pretty important because He knows I'm not a morning person. 

So this morning through the no-caffeine fog I heard Him tell me the following:

1. Not everything you are feeling is the truth. You know the truth in your head.  You can see the truth and I know you know the difference between the truth you feel and the lies your past is telling you.  
2. You know better then anyone else what you and your children need.  Don't let people make you feel powerless.  Don't allow people to patronize you or make you feel inferior.  Stand up and be heard.  
3. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel.  Don't let the actions of people in your past stand in the way of your happiness.  Remember the past can't hurt you unless you let it.  It's OK to be excited about your future.  Look forward to it, but don't let your fear hold you back.

I have PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Most people know about PTSD because they hear about it on the news when journalists talk about the stress of war on the men and women that defend our liberties.  Solders with PTSD often talk about not being able to relate to their families once they return home.  They are so scarred from the trauma of war that they don't feel that their actual reality is actual reality.  They jump at ever noise.  Every cry from their baby or child reminds them of death.  A simple backfire from a truck driving down their street can send them into attack mode.  My PTSD is triggered by certain body language and tone of voice.  It doesn't matter who is talking to me when I see and hear that combination my body goes on high alert. 

Your brain is an amazing creation.  Just like breathing and your heat rhythm, it does most things without a conscious though.  Synapses are fired, hormones and other chemicals are released without you ever knowing it.  There are parts of your brain that are triggered by sights and smells and sounds.   It can literally re-wire itself after injury or traumatic event, so when it's been conditioned to respond to a stimulus in a certain way after a long period of time it's not just as easy as flipping a switch to return the response to normal.   

It's interesting that He said that I know the difference between reality and my past. I know He's right.  I know I know the truth.  I know I know better then anyone else, even those with clinical degrees, on what myself and my children need.  I know I shouldn't be afraid to tell people how I feel.  I know that the people I have around me do not act the same as those in the past.  I know all these things yet conquering fear is really tough. 

So what do you do when faced with fear?  When I think about fear I think about Job (no not job as in something you do, Job like as in the Old Testament guy).  Job's story is very interesting, he was minding his business doing what he thought was right, following the laws when all of a sudden his life is turned upside down with trauma after trauma.  Bad things happen left and right to Job. 

In Job 2, the Creator and the Evil One are having a conversation and He says this about Job: “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”  The Evil One answers back and says basically that once he has his way with him, he will curse and run from the Holy One.  So the Evil One departs and starts trying to break Job of his righteousness.

Job never gives in.  His friends tell him to.  His wife tells him to, but all the while he remains "blameless and upright".  Job had all the reasons to believe that He had forsaken him.  He was under major attack by the Evil One.  His head and heart were battling with each other yet he never turned and ran. I believe He knew that ultimately he was chosen for battle because he was in His favor.

I know that I must be doing something right to come under attack like this.  Obviously if I had been forsaken He wouldn't have needed my attention so early this morning.  Sometimes in the battle of the heart and mind you simply need to be reminded that deep inside of you is the truth.  The truth is powerful. The truth lets you know that you have the power inside of you to overcome your fear, your past, your hurt or anything else that is standing in the way of your fulfillment. It may seem cliche' but embrace the truth within you. Don't let the shadows of your past hold you back any longer.